mein freund

It was the night prior to the day following.

The Dove and Peas, sitting spreadeagled in Peas’ cosy nook...I mean house, because that sounds sexually deviant - are planning their trip to Berlin Zeit. It’s not Berlin, it’s Berlin Zeit. Yes! The Dove is coming with Peas and they’re stopping off in Amsterdam for some tea, and Prague for, like, hotdogs (and by Dove’s Prague research, a cathedral made out of human bones. Radical.)

They’re both obsessed with the idea of Berlin and all it has to offer across the spectrum. And Dove and Peas, whilst whoreganising their trip, are jumping around in excitement. This is something they’ve been talking about doing since 3rd year varsity.

Dove: I can’t believe it. We’re going.

Peas: I know, can you believe it?

Dove: No. I just said I can’t believe it.

Dove on food:

Dove: It’s the perfect destination for architecture, the history, the museums, the fact we’ll drink beer for lunch, breakfast and dinner, the hipness, everything.

Peas: I know. Hang on though, what do you think of eisbein?

Dove: Oh that chocolate.

Peas: Nooo....

Dove: No wait, its sausages! What is it? Beer?

Peas: Pig’s knuckle.

Dove: I. Will. Not. Eat. A Knuckle.

Peas: You’re gonna have it scooped onto your plate at least once every two days.

Dove: Ah come on, I’m sure you can get a fuckin’ cheeseburger there.

Peas: Can you sound any more American right now? Miss Michigan 1995? MacDonalds Endorsement Person?

Dove: Just wait. High tops and skinny jeans on men. My worst nightmare might be pork knuckles, but yours is men in high tops and skinny jeans. ‘Cos that’s how they walk around there.

Peas: Radical.

Dove: Dude. Did you know that Norway has the highest amount of Satanists in the world.

Peas: Should we go there instead of Prague? But. It’s a new kind of expensive.
It's...Scandinavia expensive.

Dove on language:

Dove:…we’re gonna have to learn some German.

Peas: OK. Repeat after me: Ich bin ein eschlikke vrau mit hechte boson. Und ein uber taschenpuffer.

Dove: And what does that mean?

Peas: I am an ugly woman with huge tits. And a super hipflask.

Dove: And where the fuck would we use that?

Peas: A beer garden or like, the Modern Museum Of Contemporary Art.

Dove: Say something we can use.

Peas: Fine ok.

Dove: What is: “We’re very lost, how can we can get to the closest restaurant." No wait. "The closest taxi rank." Tell me. Without! Babelfishing it.

Peas: Um…. Ich… und...du bist....verschclochen.[Closed? Is that close enough to Lost?] Wo bist du….. restaurant. Nein! Das taxi ranken.

Dove: RANKEN? Fuckin’ bullshit.

Peas: I’m a treat to travel with.

Dove: Just don’t laugh like Jack.

Peas: Do I really look like that when I laugh. Like Jack in The Shining.

Dove: Not when he laughs, Peas. When he’s chasing after someone with an axe.

Peas: Awesome. So we’ll be making plenty of friends in Berlin Zeit then.

And then she started dismantling my babuschka dolls.
Now they're all standing in a row.

Peas: Oh my God. Looking at them...they’re so kitsch. Hell.

Dove: Dude, guinea fowls. Those family sets of guinea fowls you get. I once saw people stick them up their stairs one by one…they just got smaller.

Peas: Hang on, isn’t this the [Cleaver] family?

Dove: Two peace doves at the front door. Frosted glass elephants and dolphins in the balcony rail. Mirror with engraved palm trees. Lazee-Boys, 10 000 fridge magnets.

Peas: Hey what’s wrong with, you know, exorbitant amounts of fridge magnets? My Mate Went To Toronto And All I Got Was This Lousy Fridge Magnet.

Dove: Pink nailpolish in the egg holders, a pub in the middle of the living with tot glasses from all over the world, chauvinist quotes like ‘Women belong in the kitchen but also in the bar to pour you drinks.’

Peas: This is better than Vetkoek Paleis.

Dove: Get this: chairs with eagle wings. Eagle head above you, with the enveloping wings. All wood varnished.

Peas: A set of eagle family throne chairs? Where do you even get that?

Dove: They had personalised numbersplates but like, ‘Foxy 1’ and ‘Sexy 2’, and every door was a sliding door. If it wasn’t for the office blinds, I would’ve ran through the door. And killed myself. And got pushed off the balcony with the frosted elephants and dolphins.

[pause]

Dove: The crux: She came down the stairs wearing a pink jersey with sequins splashed on it, these TOIGHT pleather black pants and these bright red spike heels.
And I asked her ‘You look rad, where’s the 80s party?’
Dude she said, No we’re just going for dinner.
So I said, “Oh. Fuck. Is it an 80s restaurant?”

Travelling with Dove is going to be fucking hilarious.