Moments of escapism – like real moments where you’re drawn into a different world – are hard to come by, let’s face it. When you just need a time out for 2 minutes and don’t have time to leave your office, nevermind your desk.
You’re barking orders to people, fixing paper jams, talking geekery to someone, not getting pissed off that the bloody Oscars have taken precedent over the prime Monday slot that is Grey’s Anatomy. So what keeps you sane?
I’ll tell you where I throw myself. And it’s not over a balcony.
1) Google maps. With streetview. I can visit the south of France whenever I like and pretend I’m there, simple by dragging the little yellow man above the zoom toggle onto the road I wish to walk down.
So yesterday, I revisited a town in the Langue’doc Rousillon. I went to Aniane ten years ago, and it was gorgeous. So I went back specifically to eye out people’s drying laundry:
And also check out the vibe, stopping off for un latte at the café at the end of a street. (I sat with my coffee at my desk. It’s almost the same thing. Especially if you’re listening to Edith Piaf at the same time.)
Tomorrow I’ll go to New York.
2) News articles about Nine Year Olds Writing Dating Books. Go guy! Smash her in your face.
3) Almost book a flight to Siberia. Or to Stanley, Falkland Islands. Go to Expedia and map out the cheapest way to get somewhere, hassle-factor not included. For instance, I found out that Dove and I could get to Berlin for R2000 less if we flew to Nairobi, then Cairo, then Dubai, then Frankfurt then Berlin.
It would take 4 days, but whatever.
4) Watch your pro-biotic yoghurt. Actively observe. Does it move? Because it should.
With all those live bacterium culture thingies packed in there solely to keep you regular. If you have a microscope even better. Otherwise just watch it. And let me know if yours moves.
5) Phone SARS. For a chat. They will be confused, and also possibly put a red flag your tax number, but whatever. When Doris answers and asks you what you require, just say, ‘Doris, hi. So here’s the thing. I bought a red dress in Rio, and then I saw one for half price at the YDE sale and was thinking of getting it, but then I already have a red dress, so I was thinking: what would you do?’
6) Shnarf your coffee. Just kidding. Nose-channeling coffee isn’t a joke.
7) Do a pilates roll up under your desk. The end result is your poen in the air, head on the floor, and you’ve got to exhale on the way up to work your “core transverse muscle.”
8) Close your eyes and imagine Stuart Townsend naked in between your 200 PLUS threadcount sheet and Moulin Rouge Range duvet cover.
9) Stick ‘Drunk Russian miner dude’ into your YouTube browser and search it.
If that fails to entertain, watch a silent disco.
10) Think about the economic recession. Then don’t. Because you’ll panic. Quickly revert to hair recession. Which us chicks don’t get.
Or just email Mitchell Baker (one of the power suits at Mozilla) and ask her if the hairstyle came before Firefox or did Firefox come before the hairstyle. (‘Are you the chicken or are you the egg?’)
Her email address is email@example.com. You want her at your next party, Dot Com A-Listers.