Thursday, March 26, 2009

battery acid & adam's chick

So there we are, a whole bunch of us on a Kulula flight last night, and we reckon:
‘Hey man, let’s drink champagne.’

It happens.

Sometimes because we’re a feisty bunch of yacks, we do stupid shit.

I mean you gonna get more bang for your buck if you drink, say the mini white wine bad boys for the same price as the champers per glass, but whatever – we’re feeling festive, we’re all together ( 6 of us), and it’s all good up in the sky, like.

Problem is, Kulula serves their sparkling wine in cans ok. Tins. And it’s called ‘Eve.’ This pink, rose type carbonated fermented merde, whereby by the time you land, you’re already hanging.

Two hours later – we all have a massive headache. We’re hanging man. Before dinner.
C2 reckons JC Le Roux is the same price for a whole bottle and the headache isn't like a migraine.

So it went something like this: Damager (C2’s boyfriend) and I decide to klap one of those cardboard, bread-like-a-Sealy, faccacio bad boys because our stomach linings are discintegrating from hunger. Smash an Eve, and then get hungry again and smash all the Pringles the air hostess has to basically offer. Poen’s boyfriend, Game Ranger Deluxe, is running down the aisle asking the air hostess for more Pringles.

Because we‘re mowing like it’s a sport.

And I mean we’re mowing, chowing all the plane food Kulula stocks, and he’s getting those wild dagger looks from hunger passengers who are ready to gauge his eyes out because we’re eating everything we can see.

The Fritos were ten bucks a bag.

Game Ranger reckons, after deflating the chip bag to reveal like 10 grams of corn sensation: ‘There’s no mark up on these bad boys.’

I’m sceptical.

The plane is very restrictive on my lifestyle, because after two Eve's, you wouldn't mind breaking out a shnaftie.

We blame the ‘Eve’s’, which Damager points out is ‘Harvested not in the Western Cape winelands, but in…Centurion.’
This stuff is made from battery acid in a place called ‘Techno Park’ in the lesser-known fruity viney backdrop that is Centurion. Says so on the can. And everything.

8000 Eves later, we stumble off the plane, hit Café Paradiso on Kloof, for a few mojitos and collapse in bed.

The air in Cape Town was fishy. Chinas, we were smelling the fish in the air something chronic. And can I tell you - it was good.
That sea air, tingling the old nasal passages, the coloured dude who chills on the pavement and screams obscenities at passers-by, with the word ‘Poes’ as the fundamental architecture of each sentence, Slaapstad does have it’s foibles, let us not lie.

Good friends, good location, good wine, battery acid champagne…it’s awesome to be here.

Except the fucking noise. Crisis. There’s this cement machine, 8000 loud and screaming workers and a whole lot of noise going on downstairs right now.

Cape Town is meant to be chilled. But C2 and I sit here bitchin’ and mornin’ because, we're more hung than a pair of donkey's testicles that were born oversized.

It’s the Eves.

Cement mixers on an Eve headache. And Damager was on a conference call at 6:30, like in the middle of the mixers, C2 looking very upset because she was woken up, and then told to shut up.

'Shhh! I'm. On. The Phone.' Yes Damager, we can see that.


iamdebbiedeb said...

this is the japanese version of "eve"
you can buy it at every conbini (star shop) and walk between from bar to bar happily sipping. gotta love been able to drink in public.

but watch out for the 8% one, its got a kick. and it comes in a long tom. and more than usually you have a moersa headache in the am. prob from the sugar crash you are experiencing. paiiining auntie, paiiinning.

(the cherry blossom flavour one rocks.)

Peas on Toast said...

Dude, that's excatly the one we drank last night - the 8% bad boy.

We're both sitting here staring at this computer with pounding heads.

So Tokyo people drink this stuff?? Seriously?? But it's made in Centurion! Go Centurion! C2 reckons there must be some Japanese dude slotting thousands of things in his interntional factories across the globe!

Revolving Credit said...

I tried this Eve thing, it really is kak.
After boarding on a nice balmy afternoon in Cape Town, I thought, hey a bit of rose would got down well. Ja right. That shit is more like brake fluid than wine.

PS. Welcome to my city! Do you like the weather I arranged for you?

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - thanks for the WARM welcome my china! Even through the haze of Eve, it's GOERGEOUS down here! We're going for a spot of breakkie at Mouille Point just now, so life is very very tough right now :) We're acting like a bunch of Vaalies in the Cape....oh wait ;)

So you've also drunk the brake fluid eh? Crisis!

Revolving Credit said...

So what you guys planning to do besides do the wedding thing? and drinking of course?

Peas on Toast said...

Well most of the trip revolves around the wedding, so we'll be doing braais and rehearsals tonight, tomorrow a spa day for us girls! yeehah!!
Bring. It. On. Baby.
And then some shopping, and Sunday I have a day with Dad, cousins and grandparents down there by the peninsula :)

Not too shabs!

The Chantal said...

errr what's a "shnaftie"? a line of coke?
lol only thing I can think of because of the word "schnarfing" or something like that I heard before.

Peas on Toast said...

Shnaftie = cigarette ;)

frozen-heart said...

soooo you're here! welcome to the whole ;) pod of you! aaah kalula ... where flights are cheap and smiles and jokes are free .. and yer 'battery acid' costs a cool 25 moola! fugg me! and then it's still kuk! they should change their skit online where they tune you to bring pocket money, i mean really now! bring your purse and make sure it's loaded if you wanna drink of their 'not so soft drinks' and eat mini pringles at 15 moola .. oh well, it sure sounds as if you's all 'took the plane by its horns' no hang on that sounds wrong ..
hey talking of horns ..noooo i am not talking horings here ;)
did you get to fly in the fantasically painted cow plane?just read on their page that them okes paint their planes
is like .. is it a bird? nooooo
is it a plane? noooo
is it superman? noooooo
it's a mooooo cow!
have a great time here in the cape peas! enjoy sunday with your mense!
as they say in the cape - djy moet leka wees ne!
tara x

frozen-heart said...

listen i been reading this blog again for all the stuff my head misses in the first read and now i am like thinking here > its like 200 000 bucks for 8000 eve's! and that is not even taking into account all the other stock you ou's eateded .. pringles... fockbreads ... jusus! bring the egoli money this side wooop woop!
hyperbole se moer! ;)
ok that's me over and out my chino's

frozen-heart said...

ok last comment>
freeesh feesh
leka snoek !

kyknoord said...

Don't you know that Kulula charges extortionate prices to actively discourage people from buying stuff? You've completely screwed up their business plan. I hope you're happy now.

Ilhaam said...

hey all. Im a peas nu-B! Who woulda thought i could find this much entertainment, on the internet (birdie moment)?!

I thought i was missing out because i couldn't muster the balls to board a plane, but theres clearly not much to miss in a cow-ship slash automotive shabeen.

Peas on Toast said...

frozren - you got that right babe, we were ridiculous - we were throwing away BIG bucks on those bloody Eve's, smoney which could';ve been better spent on cocktails NOt made out of battery acid on the beach!!

Kyk - * evil chuckle* It's all part of ym greater plan! mwuhahahahahah.

Ilhaam - hi there! You too scared to fly? Shame my dear, how come, just nerves?

Peas on Toast said...

frozren - you got that right babe, we were ridiculous - we were throwing away BIG bucks on those bloody Eve's, smoney which could';ve been better spent on cocktails NOt made out of battery acid on the beach!!

Kyk - * evil chuckle* It's all part of ym greater plan! mwuhahahahahah.

Ilhaam - hi there! You too scared to fly? Shame my dear, how come, just nerves?

Extranjera said...

That's what you get from trying to take Centurion with you to CT. You should know better.
I don't think you are actually meant to buy the Eves on the flights, they are probably there to hold up the cargo space walls, like the other varieties (Vin Doux and Brut) hold up the shelves in my local Spar.