Tuesday, March 17, 2009

free wena

What a performance.

Right, so a colleague breezes in yesterday all calm and unflapped, and announces, ‘Okes they do free Vitamin B injections next door. I just went.’

Something free. That’s very exciting. I want a piece of the pie.

Although on closer inspection – and foresight is one super power I wouldn’t mind possessing for even one day - there are a lot of free things on this planet that you don’t actually want. Even if the word "free" gives you a little orgasm.

One must always proceed with suspicion. Because there are free things in this world that aren’t always all that and a bag of chips. Such as:
1) Syphilis
2) Bird shit falling from the sky
3) Pamphlets

But a free vitamin B injection, that promises instant vitality, mental strength and other good shit? Well Whale, my American colleague and I jumped at the chance.

Hell, I’d had a needle taking blood from my arm last week, and I didn’t even cry. This lead me unto a false sense of elevated confidence and a very gung-ho ‘Pssht, it’s easy kapeasy chaps.’ Besides, the person who’d just got one was cool about the whole thing, so how bad can it be?

Whale goes in, comes out white as a sheet, says nothing, and walks hurriedly back to the office, looking a little perturbed.
Me and Americano, on the other hand, probably shouldn’t have been in the same room together.

‘It will burn a little bit,’ says the nurse.
Now some of us have low pain thresholds, and some of us have high pain thresholds.

I’m the former. Pinch me, and I hit the roof. Nearly called an ambulance after I got my ears pierced, type of thing. Pain always equals drama and chaos. Always has always will.

‘How much will it burn?’ I ask, instantly starting to panic.

‘You’ll hardly feel it,’ says she, whilst dunking a fuck-off needle into a vestibule of liquid Vitamin B.
‘Face the wall.’

Oh I see, she doesn’t want me to see the metal proboscis penetrate my arm, how considerate of her. She can obviously sense my rising befrazzlement. I hold out my arm, close my eyes, and wince.

‘Please drop your pants.’

Hold the phone. Beg pardon.
You’re sticking THAT thing… into my bum?

The voice is now a high-pitched shriek, only harmonised by Americano, cowering in the corner, properly freaking out, and at a higher Californiesque decibel range than myself. She’s panicking, I’m watching her panic, so I’m panicking, it’s a domino effect, and it’s getting loud.

Soon chaos fills the room, while the nurse, waving about the offending injection in the air, is trying to calm us down, while I grip my buttcheek and pound the wall.

‘It hasn’t gone in yet.’

Then why am I feeling pain already, sistah?

I turn around and try to reason with the woman wielding the needle. Americano is now weeping. Two highly strung people in a room is never going to create a feeling of zen-like tranquility. It’s going to exacerbate the frenzy to fever pitch.

‘OK OK,’ I say, fully sweating. ‘Is there any other way you can administer this. I’m cool with suppositories?’

“I’m afraid not,” she says, inching closer. “Stop clenching and it will be fine.”

Stop clenching. Only God can stop clenching when faced with a frigging needle that’s about to be plunged into his posterior. No mere mortal, come on, would stop clenching. Knowing that that thing is anywhere near it’s rear end, seriously.

I stand up against the wall.

Americano, now having had hers, is sitting in the chair, slumped over, looking green, and generally not enjoying life.
“I’m going to vomit man. Seriously. The burn man……the burrrrrrrn. My ass aches something chronic, gaaaaaaaaaaaad.”

Fuck me over a handlebar, I’m losing my nerve.

‘Fine. FINE. Fuck. The only way I’ll do this is by lying facedown on the floor, so I can’t run away or collapse.’

She plunges it in. Instant burning, going all the way down my leg, and I yelp like a very unattractive yelping thing.

‘OW KAKFUCK! YOU’RE BREAKING MY BALLS HERE! YOU COULD’VE AT LEAST WARNED ME!’

Americano is still moaning in a vomit-induced stupor.

‘Shit’ says the nurse.
Never the kiffest thing to hear from a nurse. When she’s staring at your naked ass.

‘You clenched. The prick messed up. The bruise is going to be worse.’

I’m in so much pain right now.
Nausea sets in, and my mouth tastes like yeast. Which is a little like stale beer. Bad stale beer. Beer, basically, that you buy in a papsak in Touws River.

Americano faints.

How did we get here? What’s going on? How did my awesome day fuck up like this?

Take Americano to a bed, has her blood pressure taken, and is given sugar water.

My right buttcheek is on fire. Can’t sit down for 20 minutes.

Oh, and apparently in order for this to work, we’d need to go at least once a month. Are you friggen kidding me.

Why did no one tell us that it happens on the ass, it tastes like shit, you wanna vomit, it stings like a bitch and it’ll last for only a month?

After calming down to tantrum, it must be said: I feel great now that I can sit down.

And: all this torture was free. I can get it free every month. So woop woop for free shit.

PS: Graeme from Idols, you were totally picking your nose on TV last night, dude.

50 comments:

tyrone said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

BABY!

Ha ha ha ha ha...

tyrone said...

Wait....

tyrone said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

It's just a little prick in your bum.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - It was the largest goddamn prick in the goddamn world.
:)

I am such a baby, yes yes yes! :)

tyrone said...

Look, I'd like to feel sorry for you but last year I had a vitamin B shot every week for 3 months.

It wasn't THAT bad... Maybe the tiniest of burns.

I thought you were a big girl?

tyrone said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! :)

frozen-heart said...

graeme may have been picking his snozz but wasn't it lize who sang, 'big girls don't cry' ? ;) altho peas, 'it's your party and you can cry if you want to, cry if you want to, cry if you want toooo, i would cry too if it happened to meeeee !

dorothy said...

oh that was HYSTERICAL! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - ah. But you're a big burly alpha-male man with muscles and chest hair who laughs in the face of injections. I'm just a widdle...wuss :)

Graeme - correct! I'm singing the same tuen, darlin', I'm singing the same tune! :)xx

Peas on Toast said...

dorothy - it was hsyterically painful! :)

Nessers said...

heheheheh Clearly you don't take vitamins either cos B12 always repeats itself - all the B's do which is rude I know but what are you going to do - how blue is your arse?

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - I take lots of multi-vitamins, but clearly they don't touch sides! My arss is bluer than the Australian blue-arsed fly.

icepick said...

haha ye im with you there peas.
I fucking hate that shit, but still get one every 2 months or so.
Its sucha nasty dull ache down ones ass.

Violation!

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - shit hey, I didn't realise injection-in-ass was such a common thing! And voluntarily!

The last time I had one was because it was a life/death situation - I'm allergic to bees, so that's how they pump me fulla anti-histamines. Otherwise, I thought ass-jabs were really uncommon.

I applaud you for your bravery!

tyrone said...

Big and burly yup. Chest hair yup. I laugh in the face of needles...

Needles bend when they come near me. I'm like the Uri Geller of needles. Like magnetic south repelling magnetic south.

I burn Vitamin B.

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - ok chuck norris :)

po said...

Peas!!! I was conisdering getting one of those for the UK winter lag, but um, perhaps not. I faint when they take blood. I hav never had anything jammed in my ass before.

Peas on Toast said...

po - shiiiit. I'm sorry I have put you off this whole [sordid] experienece babe :(
Look, mental preparation for anything, is key. I just didn't have the time to do this. If you know it's going in your ass and you have some time to think about it, it might not be so bad?
And if you're ok with pain, that's the main thing. You don't see any blood. ;)

tyrone said...

Chuck or Vernon?

Peas on Toast said...

well china, that's entirely up to you. Do you wanna wear Buffaloes, or do you wanna wear plaid?
;)

quartercenturycrisis said...

Maybe it was better that way - if you had known before the time it was going to be in the butt would you have gone at all? I was also considering one of these but I think I'll pass now... Will stick to some multivitamin pills!

Peas on Toast said...

quartercentury - look unless you're as a wuss as I am (and I'm Queen of the Wuss), you probably won't die. Also the Vit B in your multi's apparently doesn't have nearly enough to give you a bounce in your step. I've been running around like an Energizer Bunny all morning, and I'd like to think it's because of the proboscis in my bum :)
Do it! For your country! Or whatever :)

Revolving Credit said...

So someone tells you to:
'Face the wall, drop your pants & don't clench your butt cheeks or it will hurt more.'

Sounds like the type of free shit you get at Pollmoor?

And then they tell you to come back next month...WTF?
Sounds like a serial sodomite!!

PS. Did PO actually comment '..I hav never had anything jammed in my ass before' in clear text??....hahaha

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - should add that to the list of free shit you don't want:
4) Pollsmoor hanky panky

I know. And they expect you take this standing up, not lying down! :)

Rambler said...

You watch Idols?

Not sure I can read your blog anymore...

Revolving Credit said...

Makes you wonder whether when Shabir was in prison, whether anyone tried to Shaik his booty?

'Hey Shabir, this is a Shaik down. Face the wall, drop your pants & don't clench your butt cheeks or it will hurt more.'.

Peas on Toast said...

Rambler - oh well :)

Rev - hahahahahaha, do you think he found the humour in it? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Just checking..was the taste of beer a pro or a con?

Peas on Toast said...

The Touws River papsak you mean?

It wasn't kiff hey.

Revolving Credit said...

So how's you ass today?

Tender ass and tender breasts? If we didn't know any better, I'd say that you've been having a spankingly good time of late.

Peas on Toast said...

Bloody well sounds like it innit? ;)
The good news is, breasts aren't so tender - but ass is. Breasts still bigger though, so that's pretty darn awesome :)

kyknoord said...

That's just rude. Didn't even get dinner out of the deal.

Revolving Credit said...

As with the breasts, will the tenderness make your ass bigger?

Maybe we can sign you up to star in some new R&B muic video - just bring your own bling!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I know the moves now, so sure, sign me up! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Reading Kyk's statement...din't yu 2 have dinner?
What exactly does that imply?
...*Dum,dum,deedle,dum,dum*

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - I missed that sorry dude. You mean me and the nurse, or me and the nosepicker?

Rev din't yu 2...I don't speak Emo! :)

Revolving Credit said...

So, did dinner with Kyk make your bum hum?

Peas on Toast said...

Dinner with Kyk? Kykie's got a girlfriend m'dear - the lovely Dolce!

Also...he lives in Cape Town :)

Revolving Credit said...

Damn he's good!

The Ponderer said...

Love your blog.
First time comment.
In the army this was used to simulate torture on Special Forces soldiers (applied cold and quickly) Burns like a sigarette butt - I kidd you not.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)
Isn't he just?? ;)

Ponderer - Hi there! And welcome! :)
Are you being serious about this special force torture, or taking the piss? Eeeek!

Revolving Credit said...

They use anal probing as part of special forces military training?

So what exactly is our local policy on gays in the military? Are they more torture resistant?

The Ponderer said...

Hah, I selected these guys.
If you inject B Co quickly it feels like a cigarette burn.

Great during interrogation phase where they think some sicko is really burning them; also nice physical booster.

No anal probes weirdo.

Peas on Toast said...

Pondere - HECTIC! Although this pain went through my leg - does a cigarette burn do that? Hecticcc

The Ponderer said...

It feels EXACTLY the same - but remember - your injection was warmed up and injected slowly.
The army way is a fucker I can assure you.

BTW Cool red shoes (no AWESOME red shoes)

Peas on Toast said...

tHANK YOU SO MUCH! i RATHER LIKE THEM MYSELF :)

PS: I HATE MY CAPLOCKS KEY.

Secret said...

This was a real LOL!!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Secret :) It's caused a real BRUISE! ;)

The Ponderer said...

For crisis PoT no pain goes down your leg unless you had a muscle spasm; which the nurse warned you about

livingladolcevita said...

Those bastards hurt like fuck. And LOL @ Tyrone. *giggle*