Tuesday, March 31, 2009

it's good to be homeski


The flight home - hungover, half-coiffed Marge Simpson hairdo with its own driver’s license, and a kid – a spawn from the minions of Hell – kicking the back of our seats and screaming.

For 1 hour 50 minutes, I’m turning around spasmotically, to kill the ‘Rents of this child with an eyeball hairier than Jack Black’s ball bag prior to a back sack and crack, and still, the kid kicked the fucking seat and yelled, the entire journey home.

Basically, we were holding onto our sanity with a thread the size of a BMW 760 Series driver’s pecker, on the brink of mental asylumdom. Right until that aircraft bellyflopped out of the sky, sending our collective ovaries through the oxygen retainers above. Just bounced our way across Lanseria. (Seriously – calibrate your altimetre, pilot guy.)

Needless to say, we were pushing a bead or two by the time we got off that flying death machine.

Peas: How many Eve’s* do you think it would take to make you go insane and be admitted into a mental hospital?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Damager: Seven days. Without a doubt, a conservative estimate, seven days would do it.

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

T: Nah, I reckon ten days.

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Damager: Seven days. Think about it, an Eve a day.

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

C2: What do you think would happen if we drank two Eve’s now?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Poen: Dude, we’d get Eve Demons. There’s loser’s complex; and then there are Eve Demon’s. And on a Sunday – with or without the Carte Blanche music - that would kill you. Fair and square.

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Peas: So on the Eve-ometre…Evometre, out of ten, which is worse do you think, having it poured down your earhole or having it on your cornflakes every day for one month?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Damager: Eveentually, you’d die. I reckon it would take less than 8 Eve’s in quick succession to kill a grown man.

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Poen: What's worse – mainlining Eve directly into your jugular, or…a heart attack?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Damager: How many Eve’s would you okes forsake just not to be on this flight?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Peas: Eight thousand. What’s worse though – this trantruming devil child, or a free case of Eve every week for the rest of your life?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

C2: What’s more socially incorrect: pitching up at Prince William’s birthday party with a case of Eve’s, or…gargling in public? With Eve?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Poen: What’s more socially incorrect: Having Eve as a name, or drinking Eve as a product?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Damager: Please, once we get off this neverending Flight From Hell, can we leave Eve on the plane?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Peas: What do you think would kill you quicker right now: brake fluid soaked through bread, or an Eve?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

C2: What’s worse: bathing in Eve, or waking up in a vom bucket of Eve?

[kicking screaming kid directly into ear]

Peas: Would you rather fling yourself out of a plane via parachute over a molten bubbling hot volcano blindfolded…or be the dude who collects the battery acid for the Eve recipe/be a professional Eve taster?

Damager: That would be quite an Evevent.

*Pink carbonated brake fluid, packaged and harvested in Centurion, and marketed as ‘champagne;’ makes you hang after twenty minutes; drank lots of these on the way down due to stupidity and misguided over-enthusiasm.

18 comments:

Tower said...

Eve'ntually hangovers go away.

Those poor people have to live with that little shit. And pilot guy's running a big green bus up and down the country for the rest of his life. He doesn't even get to land at a real airport anymore and has probably had to move from Benoni to Krugersdorp... Belly flops are as good as it gets... spare a thought peas;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Tower - ok ok ok. But at least at Lanseria he gets out of there to his hotel in Krugersdorp about 20 minutes faster than at OR Tambo, and sure - maybe he just wanted to have fun, bellyflopping and all.

frozen-heart said...

morning peas (",) my twisted head has this comment with just looking at the pic>
don't think on 'camp' 'playtime' after eating any kind of pork and BEANS!
tweeep!
as far as the demon seed was concerned, shoulda offered taking him to the loo for mummy-kins and shown him your dexter side ...
ooh i am so eViL! moehahahaha!

serioosly tho, it is savage to be on such a flight with the likes of little donkeys behind you and belly-floppin-lets-have-some-fun-my-chinos! pilots ... damn shame the masks didna fall out, you could have helped the little runt with his and shot the elastic stiffly into the back of his head...
oops! sowwy! ;)

Tower said...

belly flopping big jets. awesome. you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus

Much Better Half and I were sneaking in cocktails and a game of who would you rather at Caprice on the weekend and may have a heard whispers of that wedding. Sounds like an awesome weekend!

I get to pull through joeys on the way to zam this week and have to head up to vote too. may give lanseria a whirl. so freaken excited!!

Peas on Toast said...

frozen - good morning dollface! That bellyflop didn't stop his performance, but one always has to look on the bright side: he wasn't eating pork and beans. I'm sure any sensible parent would deny a tin of that, although stranger things have happened...

Peas on Toast said...

Tower - wow, six degrees of seprartion! :) Was at Caprice slotting a cocktail on Thursday...two days late! ;)
Good luck for Lanseria and voting - bring an iPod for both occasions! :)

kyknoord said...

Did you consider slipping the screaming horror some Eve? If you have to suffer, so too should he.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - No! How dumb ARE we? One would've knocked the little bugger for sure! :)

Miss T said...

glory..its like i could hear the kid friggin screaming right here in my cubicle!

Peas on Toast said...

Miss T - did you flinch babe?
It's not a pretty noise...it's not good craic!

Revolving Credit said...

The kid wasn't kicking, he was convulsing after his mon slipped him some Eve in the mistaken hope that it would calm him down a bit.

P.S. You should have posted a pic of the slippers.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - oh brother. Going to Forries in those bad boys then bumping into you was only half as embrassing as going to Forries with a French manicure :)

PS: STILL LOVING YOUR WINE!

Revolving Credit said...

Could have been worse - you could have gone to Forries and taken some Eve with you!

Should have seen how good Eve was as removing makeup and nail polish?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - it probably would've eaten right through to the bone!

Revolving Credit said...

Kinda makes you wonder what else they drink in Centurion?

Brasso?
Tipex?
Yak Semen?

Peas on Toast said...

Yak Semen?? Oy vey, FAIL.
D'you reckon they mix yak semen with the brake fluid up there by Centurion? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Kalahari Milkshake?

Peas on Toast said...

Crisis.

;)