Tuesday, March 10, 2009

verms


The mystery of the gargantuan tits prevails.

Gargantuan now being a C cup overnight. Let’s not rip the ring out of it.

Went to the doctor yesterday, thinking that maybe what with sore, tender and growing noombies, now would be a good time for a check up.

Haven’t had my Annual after all. At least not for more than a year.

All seemed fine, even when she checked my breasts for unseeming lumps. Had a lump scare before, and since breast cancer killed my grandmother, ‘tis good to keep alert on any funny lump formations as it is.
But usually you don’t feel pain with the C-Bomb, and my breasts are around-the-dial painful. But she also seemed quite perplexed about my boobs.

So she wanted to take my bloods. To check out the vibe with my hormones and I imagine to double check that I am in fact not pregnant, even though I talked her through my entire reproductive cycle vibe, if you will.

I guess I’ll find out what’s up by end of week.

Having blood taken out of me with a needle is always le picque of terrification: “Speak to me like a 4 year old,” I say to the nurse.
“You’re 28.”
Hold my flippen hand and tell me you’re going to give me a big red sucker afterwards, bitch. I’m kakking my load here. And. Don’t let me watch it. Ow.

I didn’t say she was a bitch of course, but she did have to do a fair amount of molly-coddling.

But that’s secondary to what I found out about WORMS. So I’m sitting there, as you do in a doctor’s waiting room, and picked up one of those nifty little pamphlets lying around; otherwise it was to be The Top Ten Combine Harvesters Of The Year in The Farmer’s Weekly.
This one was about how Vermox can change your life.
With a large and rather disgusting checklist of worms and what they do to you.

Crisis chaps. If I know anything about worms, is that your bum is supposed to itch and you lose weight. As a kid, your mom feeds you Vermox after you’ve been eating sand from the sand pit or playing with dog shit.

So most worms are common in kids. And most common worms are the Hookworm, Large Roundworm and Pinworm.
Hookworm: Severe Itching between the toes. (wtf?)
Nausea, stomach problems, anaemia, tiredness.

But get the Roundworm. Get a load of this: Frequent coughing – the most significant symptom (Who knew? I mean come on. If you’re coughing up a storm, it’s not ‘Do you have worms?’ It’s ‘Sorry about the ‘flu bro.’)

Plus! Worms in the stool, or coming up the throat and into the mouth. Forget the added colic, sleeplessness, poor appetite, fever and itchy ass – that is so minging, good god! Worms in the back of the throat? Holy mother of pearl.
There are some nasties on this planet.

And it gets worse, I’ve clearly spent too much time obsessing about poisonous snakes and not these crazy bastards. This shit is crazy: The Tapeworm.

Now bear in mind my biology teacher kept one of these in formaldehyde in a fucken bell jar in the laboratory. And when I was 10, I saw one coming out of my dog’s bum.

Can’t say it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever seen, but I can’t think of thee most traumatic thing except for that worm right now. It was pretty grim, dang.
So Tapeworms are terrifying and you don’t want one basically.

Just in case you want to worm it up or something.

But this is how long it can grow in your intestine: ten metres. That’s a lot of worm right there. And it has segments, so it just breaks itself off. And your bum itches something chronic. It says raw pork or beef can be contaminated with Tapeworm cysts.

Rad.

The Whipworm makes you bleed intestinally. Awesome.

But relax, you can only get it from the eggs which hide in your linen, on animal fur, undercooked meat, on fruit that hasn’t been washed, sand, and under the nails.

For the rest, “You CAN rely on Vermox.” Well crapsticks, I just might get myself some after that sordid brochure, just in fucken case.

20 comments:

frogman said...

ok the first blog i checked this morning was yours.. and i read "boobs" and thought awesome.. a good read for 8:00am and then all of a sudden you are talking about worms and itchy bums and worms in the back of my throat..

so yeah.. good morning to you too lol

(awesome blog btw)

Peas on Toast said...

frogman - wahaha. Sorry, verms are ALWAYS abit of a nasty surprise, let's be honest :)

Good morning! :)

Revolving Credit said...

So they're testing you for breastworm?

If it makes your breasts bigger, that worm on it own will be a nail in the coffin of plastic surgery.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - don't joke. I met a girl travelling who picked up a breast worm in Thailand. From cat pooh in the sand or something. And it was making these funny skin tracks over her skin. FREAKY shit.

Revolving Credit said...

So are you taking pics of your daily breast progress? You know, something scientific with measurements in the background for later comparison?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - nah not really. More just feeling them up.

Nessers said...

g been through the Vermox phase of life with my 2 kids I can tell you it does not taste bad - the liquid tates like bananas and the pills are not too big but to be honest I think you are okay unless you have been eating sand or playing with Sandton's poo hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - yeah I don't reckon I have worms. FYI, you can get Vermox in Chocolate flavoured suspension AND banana - for some variety for your kids. :)

I'll send you the pamphlet :)

Rambler said...

Foef... foef... foef...

No man... here I was popping by for some light-hearted escapism and now I'm getting imaginary itching between my toes... and, um, there...

You do realise you've just doubled the Vermox sales in SA... you should be paid for this...

Peas on Toast said...

Rambler - serious, is the skin itching between your toes??
Can I suggest the chocolate flavoured suspension? ;)

Kidding. Yeah at the very least Vermox should throw in a free pack for the next time I think I have a worm.
:)

Mini said...

Stop talking "KUK" Pea!

Peas on Toast said...

Don't believe me? Read for yourself - http://www.drugs.com/vermox.html

PS: It's spelled KAK not KUK.

kyknoord said...

When I was a lad, my folks had a ponderous tome called Modern Ways to Health, but it may as well have been titled "1001 Disgustingly Stomach-Churning Diseases That Start Off With Relatively Minor Symptoms". I'll see if I can rustle up a copy for you, shall I?

Roons said...

The tapeworm out your dogs butt at 10years old may have not left a memory, but the dog skidding across the living room floor on his ass certainly would!!!

Mini said...

Pea

PUN intended!( I meant shitty talk) :)...Bad day I presume?

BTW KAK/KUK as long as you know what I meant because it aint as real word!

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - give me the copy baby¬! I want to see what could happen! :)

Roons - dogs sliding across the floor is always a treat! Hilarious :)

Mini - hahaha YAWN :) Kidding dude, no bad day I promise. Just all wormed out... :)

Wallfish said...

Roons and Peas: Sies Okes, cereal! If you need something to stop the boredom let me know, just stop talking about worms during pod hours.

Peas on Toast said...

Wallfish - aren't you lucky to be sitting RIGHT next to us today.

Consider it a [wormy] privilege! :)

quartercenturycrisis said...

Oh that is revolting... Scary and revolting! With all the germs and verms cruising round I think I'm going to find me a nice sterile bubble! :) I hope the boob thing is nothing serious...

livingladolcevita said...

PHOEFFFF