Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The mystery of the gargantuan tits prevails.
Gargantuan now being a C cup overnight. Let’s not rip the ring out of it.
Went to the doctor yesterday, thinking that maybe what with sore, tender and growing noombies, now would be a good time for a check up.
Haven’t had my Annual after all. At least not for more than a year.
All seemed fine, even when she checked my breasts for unseeming lumps. Had a lump scare before, and since breast cancer killed my grandmother, ‘tis good to keep alert on any funny lump formations as it is.
But usually you don’t feel pain with the C-Bomb, and my breasts are around-the-dial painful. But she also seemed quite perplexed about my boobs.
So she wanted to take my bloods. To check out the vibe with my hormones and I imagine to double check that I am in fact not pregnant, even though I talked her through my entire reproductive cycle vibe, if you will.
I guess I’ll find out what’s up by end of week.
Having blood taken out of me with a needle is always le picque of terrification: “Speak to me like a 4 year old,” I say to the nurse.
Hold my flippen hand and tell me you’re going to give me a big red sucker afterwards, bitch. I’m kakking my load here. And. Don’t let me watch it. Ow.
I didn’t say she was a bitch of course, but she did have to do a fair amount of molly-coddling.
But that’s secondary to what I found out about WORMS. So I’m sitting there, as you do in a doctor’s waiting room, and picked up one of those nifty little pamphlets lying around; otherwise it was to be The Top Ten Combine Harvesters Of The Year in The Farmer’s Weekly.
This one was about how Vermox can change your life.
With a large and rather disgusting checklist of worms and what they do to you.
Crisis chaps. If I know anything about worms, is that your bum is supposed to itch and you lose weight. As a kid, your mom feeds you Vermox after you’ve been eating sand from the sand pit or playing with dog shit.
So most worms are common in kids. And most common worms are the Hookworm, Large Roundworm and Pinworm.
Hookworm: Severe Itching between the toes. (wtf?)
Nausea, stomach problems, anaemia, tiredness.
But get the Roundworm. Get a load of this: Frequent coughing – the most significant symptom (Who knew? I mean come on. If you’re coughing up a storm, it’s not ‘Do you have worms?’ It’s ‘Sorry about the ‘flu bro.’)
Plus! Worms in the stool, or coming up the throat and into the mouth. Forget the added colic, sleeplessness, poor appetite, fever and itchy ass – that is so minging, good god! Worms in the back of the throat? Holy mother of pearl.
There are some nasties on this planet.
And it gets worse, I’ve clearly spent too much time obsessing about poisonous snakes and not these crazy bastards. This shit is crazy: The Tapeworm.
Now bear in mind my biology teacher kept one of these in formaldehyde in a fucken bell jar in the laboratory. And when I was 10, I saw one coming out of my dog’s bum.
Can’t say it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever seen, but I can’t think of thee most traumatic thing except for that worm right now. It was pretty grim, dang.
So Tapeworms are terrifying and you don’t want one basically.
Just in case you want to worm it up or something.
But this is how long it can grow in your intestine: ten metres. That’s a lot of worm right there. And it has segments, so it just breaks itself off. And your bum itches something chronic. It says raw pork or beef can be contaminated with Tapeworm cysts.
The Whipworm makes you bleed intestinally. Awesome.
But relax, you can only get it from the eggs which hide in your linen, on animal fur, undercooked meat, on fruit that hasn’t been washed, sand, and under the nails.
For the rest, “You CAN rely on Vermox.” Well crapsticks, I just might get myself some after that sordid brochure, just in fucken case.