Thursday, April 16, 2009

may the force be with you


So there are two types of PMS.

Just in case you were dying to know, he-creatures.

The I-wanna-rip-their-head off type and the What-a-beautiful-song-I-think-I’ll-just-start-crying type.

Sometimes chicks will be both, good luck with that. Hold tightly to your testicles.

Some chicks get cranky and blow the odd fuse. I’m dealing with the unexplained tears at the moment. The other type of behaviour prone to hormonal tarts.

You see an advert featuring a dog for Science Diet dry chunks and you feel the prickle of tears because it’s just so beautiful.

Watching something like Gorillas In the Mist would be a mistake.

Hearing Whitney Houston over a supermarket PA system would be certain death.

Watching Top Gun would just make you horny. It’s the way he grinds his jaw, coupled with a past that doesn’t include Scientology. This makes Younger Tom Cruise a very hot man. You cry because he’s so hot.

I haven’t had this spectrum of PMS for about two years. Crisis. Whereby you’re working at your computer, focused, poised, alert and geeky, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you feel an unexplained emotion well-up like a levee. When you took your Chevy there.

Because Spandau Ballet’s 80s smash hit True is banging away in the background probably, and it reminds you of carefree holidays as a child when your mum dressed you in smocked overalls, and then you cry.

You think about Turkey and Germany, and search for bayou’s in Alabama using Streetview on Google Maps. It’s all too exciting and overwhelming that you inevitably want to sob like a baby.

What the devil is going on with the hormones this month?

Luckily the intensity of this stuff is only about 2 days. Your skin and body feel ultra-sensitive though too. Just to the touch. If someone pinches your love handles, you shoot through the ceiling. I caught my tangled hair in the shoulder strap of my handbag at the shop and yelped.

Your skin is extra-sensitive, and you’re at your horniest. Biologically speaking, a woman’s libido is at its highest just before…the vibe. Someone hot will brush past you and you’re instantaneously randy.

It’s an interesting time, because if you observe that you’re hypersensitive for a reason (called ‘Oestrogen’), you’re more aware and you can handle the deep, intense emotions you’re feeling. Or otherwise try and avoid things that may cause sadness.

I’d love to know how men would be if they had a ‘bodily cycle.’ I’d like to stand on the sidelines watching how a man would handle PMS. It would be scary and entertaining at the same time.

But that aside, it’s a very sad day anyway.

My colleague’s brother, who has been battling cancer for 6 years, passed away over the weekend. My heart goes out to her and her family; she was so brave.

I am attending the memorial service today. It’s going to be emotional.

25 comments:

Charmskool said...

Phew I'm kinda glad that's all behind me - although let me warn you that menopause is makes you even more emotionally unbalanced but without the horniness. Kind of explains the pause from men bit (sob). And then there's the hot flushes and sweats - picture me stripping down to a bare minimum of clothing in Pick 'n Pay like a lunatic street person while sobbing softly because they are playing Whitney. I won't even mention the sudden appearance of enormouse boobage on my chest...

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Charm, shitters! My mum is going through the Puase at the moment, and also tends to burst into almost flames, desperately stripping off all jerseys, opening car windows in a flurry, etc etc. From what I can tell it's not easy. Are you taking hormone replacement at all?

Mum says she wants to, but I've heeard it's a bit controversial with regards to cancer.

Charmskool said...

Peas I persevered for two years with the sweating and overheating and crazy mood swings and sleepless nights and then my doc said that I was getting worse not better so he talked me into these patches that you stick on your bum. Ahhhh relief. I still overheat a little and have the odd night sweat but I am nearly human most days. And I've stopped hitting passersby with my handbag in the street when they get in my way although I do still snarl a bit at them but you can't let your standards slip too far now can you?

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - wow the symptoms sound almost exactly like my mum's - to the tee. Except she barks at passersby. Kidding. :) But close.
I'll let her know that the patches help out for sure, becausxe I think she's at her wits end at the moment.

Nessers said...

Oh what joyful times I have to look forward to in 20 years or so because I refuse to get menopause now - I am 40 next month and by all accounts I will be at my sexual peak *finally* woohoo - 19year old boys (at your peak) beware hehehe

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like all that wanking has tipped your hormonal scale. Ultra sensitive to touch..mmm..sounds like something you may take advantage of but ty not to diddle too much in the office.

PS. I mis-read something. I read 'prone to hormonal farts'...I was like WTF????

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - From what I know - in my limited knowldege - is that menopause only hits around 50? I think? So enjoy your sexual peak you little minx! xx

Rev - hormonal farts - eeeeek, I don't even want to IMAGINE what that would entail. Since birds don't pass wind and all ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Hey, men do have body cycles...Horny,Slightly less horny, Horny!

Amazingly these cycles seem to coincide with the televised airing/viewing of major sporting events.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I thought men were horny every 6 seconds? Which means...you have a cycle about 5000 times a day right? Amplified by the Super 14? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

You get hot flushes, we get boners!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - thing is our hot flushes continue, if not get heightened, as we get older. Your boners may survive until you're 60-odd, but then it's really up to Viagra, isn't it?

What do you think happens if a girl takes a Viagra?

Revolving Credit said...

If you take Viagra you'll start to look like Hugh Hefner!

Do you look good in a smoking jacket??

Peas on Toast said...

Only if the smoking jacket looks like pyjamas. That's hot.

I'm keen to pop a Viagra just to see what happens. Might have to lock myself indoors though.

Revolving Credit said...

would you have to lock yourself up with 3 hot chicks in bikinis?

Just for the realism you understand.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - how about 3 hot German men? Can't I do that?

Revolving Credit said...

Who's taking the Viagra? You or them?

Fuck, imagine taking them pills while wearing paint on skinny jeans - talk about bursting at the seams!

Peas on Toast said...

haha, could you imagine the MESS??

THree Germans on sexual jet fuel in skinny jeans and me...on sexual jet fuel.

It would be chaos. And seam splitting! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like this pill popping party had better happen before 3am.

Peas on Toast said...

haha :)

Don't reckon hey ;)

Revolving Credit said...

How to use the blue pill for good.

kyknoord said...

Men and cycles don't go well together. Especially when they wear lycra and those utterly ridiculous "look at the size of my equipment" shorts.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Nice! So I should become a cop, is what you're saying? ;)

Kyk - you mean when they wear skinny jeans? ;)

icepick said...

Not to sound all pussy and everything.. But I sometimes get all sensitive like that as well.
Like after I orgasm and stuff...

Plus this one day on long street - I was so consumed with the music I was listening to...
When my shadow, yes my fucking shadow, just came out of nowhere!!
I literally shat, my entire nervous system - along with my dignity.

But other than that, sometimes crowds give me hot flushes.

Oh and I once cried in a movie.

So dont worry Peas. Im almost on your level. ;)

3rm said...

stranger - you coming for a drink tomorrow night?

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - haha, am so glad to hear that men can be sensitive too - I would've liked to have watch the shadow scenario from across the street! :) You cried in a movie? Was it Legends Of The Fall? I once watched it with someone and he cried buckets, no skarm. So don't worry, you're ALMOST there. tee hee! :)

3RM - hey dude, yip I may pull in for a little bit, I got a dinner, but will pop in for a round or two. ;)