Wednesday, July 08, 2009

cockjangles & sundry

Was updating Dove and Poen on some of the lingo I learnt from my strapping Brit friend in London.

It's so classic, Jesus suffering fuck, it has me falling off chairs pretty much everytime he opens his mouth to say something.

I’m not sure where it’s derived, it’s not your classic cockney speak, it’s something else. Perhaps because he hails from Dorset originally, or something, but get a load of this lingo:

Dove: How are you?

Peas: I’m minna minna minna mental.

Dove: Yes. You are.

Peas: DO ONE.

Dove: Do one what?

Peas: No mate. DO ONE.

Dove: What the fuck do you want me to do.

Peas: Fuck off.

Dove: Fuck you.

Peas: No it means Fuck off. In Britspeak. That’s what they say.


Peas: You’re such a weapon.

Dove: Right.

Peas: Check your bad self out.

Dove: OK.

Peas: Check your bad self out. You’re being such a weapon.

Dove: Is that a wanker?

Peas: More like a tool.

Dove: That’s WELL tidy.

Peas: I know. Bad check out HIS bad self. [Pointing to staunch dude with tattoos all over his arms]
He’s such a UNIT.
And check out those…Tough Stickers.

Dove: What?

Peas: His tattoos mate. His TOUGH. STICKERS.
Are you a window licka or summat?

Dove: What the fuck are you on?

Peas: Nah I’m just a bit of a dude.

Dove: No, you’re a girl.

Peas: Yeah but I can still be a bit of a dude. And still bake bo bo bo bo bo brownies.

Dove: You’re a fucken retard.

Peas: No, a retard is a window licka.


Peas: She’s lush you know. Even though she’s well rough.

Dove: ….what.

Peas: It’s rubbish. But when you say ‘Rubbish’ you have to accentuate it to the point where you almost say ‘That’s Wubb-ish!’ Or it’s just….. ‘jank.’


Peas: An ass like a busted sofa. Because her jeans – her Milton Keynes – are too tight.
I wonder if she’s a council gritter.

Poen: …and that would be?

Poen: Shitter. Does she take it up the council? Really, it’s just a load of old pony.
Oh and mate?

Poen: ....yes?

Peas: Girls never nip out to release a chocolate hostage.

Poen: That’s disgusting, no we never do that.

Peas: Exactly, and that’s why we never see a brown friend out to the coast. Screaming abdabs.


Secret said...


Ill be honest, I did understand the majority of that - except the last part - but thats because everyone understands when you talk about bowel movements.

I love the retard simile (is this the right word here?) - I know a few of those. In fact, I become one of those sometimes (usually after Ive had enough vodka to make a Russian blush). :)

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - teehee, the retard simile is perfect hey? It just sets the perfect image innit?


DelBoy said...

I used to run a pub in West London and they ALL talked like that! PHAT INNIT BRUV?

Peas on Toast said...

Bruv it is so wicket I wish I could talk like this all the time.


Nessers said...

if you talked like that all the time here they would lock you up hehehe

8ball said...

Peas...a swift pint or two down the pub before I'm off to grab a Ruby Murray would be good


Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - probably, but then I'd administer a large spnaking on their council gritters, mate. :)

8Ball - On like Hong Kong and a china man's dong.

6ish, the local, see you there! :)

po said...

Good grief I have lived in the UK nearly 6 years and I have never heard any of that lingo!

I do mostly work with foreigners though, so that is my excuse.

Did your friend say "HAVE IT" (I guess pronounced "'ave it") ? Apparently that is common but I have never heard anyone sy that either.

Peas on Toast said...

po - serious?? Yes I suppose amongst foriegners you wouldn't hear too much of this, but I certainly have heard 'AVE IT!' come out of his trap.

I know what you mean though, since I started meeting pukka Brits in my job, I haven't heard any of this before either, unless watching Brit comedy. But it's real china. As real as the sun!

fuzzy logic said...

My favourite (that I use a lot) is if something is wubbish, it's pants. Like "I have to get up at 6am - it's well pants!" Pants being doondies in the UK of course. :-)

Peas on Toast said...

haha yeah fuzzy I've been using PANTS for years.

It's top in my books too!