Monday, July 06, 2009

like it was 06


God.

So E was in town over the weekend, just as I, ironically, decided to reintegrate into the social scene, and just as that Pink Punter parade thing was on.

Apt timing, sure, a few of us went along and partied like it was 2006.

Crisis, can you cope. Arrive and these Jaeger girls are prancing about selling shots in test tubes.

And if you buy 5, you get a free Jaesor. Not a lasor, but a very average, stupid piece of consumer marketing shit that Peas usually goes bosbefok for, because it seems:
1) free
2) really cool before you realise its not cool, 5 seconds later

So we drank Jaeger out of test tubes, passed around a bottle of wine while dancing under heaters in a sweaty tent, and cane and cream soda.

I kid you fucking not, and Christ if I didn’t have losers yesterday.

E was like ‘Ooooh! Let’s have a John Deere, we don’t get those in Egypt!’ (Consider that a serious fucken fortitude, friend. You don’t see John Deeres, which means maybe you live in a cultural place, you lucky bitch.)

And so, suddenly, out of nowhere I was as drunk as I was 3 years ago.

On the way home, I stopped in at Woolies.
And I wake up, open my fridge and find:

1) a fuck off brie cheese – with a giant wedge out of it, that appears to have been hacked away with a spoon
2) A new bottle of tomato sauce (I have two in there already. Come ON.)
3) Half a smashed chicken pie
4) An untouched package of sliced sandwich beef (WTF for?)
5) A bucket of croutons.
6) Wieners. Kids wieners with the cheese inside.

That’s a monolithically stupid midnight shop, if I’ve ever seen one.

But it gets worse:
7) Two magazines, still in their pacakaging, (Cosmo and SL, if you care), sitting. On. The.Middle.Shelf. Of my fridge.

The magazines have literally, been chilling, in my fridge all night.

Christ. Where is my life? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Need to stand back and reassess, shit?

You know when you wake up at 4:00am, parched, drier than a nun’s poenani [sorry – but no other description is more apt at this moment], and you just reach for whatever so that you don’t prunate yourself by means of decanedration?

(Honestly, I know now why I stopped drinking that shit. Besides finding men with three eyes attractive, it’s poison. Pure unadulterated poison. It felt like I’d spawned myself directly out of Satan’s man-womb the next day. Besides the mental side affects of 24-hour retardation.)

So I find like five empty bottles of water strewn about my kitchen counter. Amongst a foray of stray pie crumbs.

Was a good night clearly.

Sure, felt like an extra in The Hangover, and did watch it in a post-party stupor to cure myself of all my evils, but hell. I thought nights like these were over.

PS: Monday morning, taxi stops in the middle of intersection, causing massive traffic jam and congestion behind him. As I roar past, I think, 'Damn. What a cunt.'

14 comments:

tyrone said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nice one Peas! :)

Done the Woolies thing myself a couple of times. LOVE waking up to find out what I thought would be tasty! :) Some of the weird things I've bought for a 04h00 snack:

- Quiche
- Eggs
- A roll of salami (I don't eat Salami)
- 400 mini hamburgers (6 would have been fine)
- Mince!!!
- Salad because one must be he healthy at 04h00 you know,

I also bought the financial mail once - nothing like planning to take over the business world when you've been pissing it up for 12 hours. I read it again the next day!


And as for John Deeres. One word. CHUNDER.

So I was at a party in Newtown on Sat night. Thought I'd introduce myself to the cute little blonde standing next to me at the bar when she ordered herself a Jack shooter (that's all she ordered????). Conversation was going swimmingly until she says: "So I just got here because I had some friends over for a quick dinner and a schnarfing session. Anyone have a pill?"

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - hahahahaha, sorry mate, but you just made my morning! Hilarious!

The blonde - fuck! hahahahaha, I hope you stepped away china, I hope you RAN away!
As for your shopping list, good Lord it even beats mine. Mince?? EGGS? SALAD?? I might buy new bottles of tomato sauce and shit, but seriously that's hysterical!

icepick said...

Ye perhaps a rethink is only necessary when you there @4am, strolling down the toiletry aisle, pondering unessential platonic items - like ear buds, and foot cream.

As your situation is kinda understandable - when ones pissed. Maybe you were just, @ the time, thinking of melting the brie over the pie, dunking the croƻtons on top of the cheese, and finally layering it with beef and a whole lot of tomato sauce - in an effort to manufacture the largest indigestible meal of the morning of 5/07/2009.

Sounds like drunk to me :)

Most decent post Peas

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - ahaha ED ZACHERY. When one is pee-eyed, it's easy to maintain the logic that anything is digestable right - thank fuck though that I only smahed the pie and ate a chunk of brie. God knows what I thought I was going to do with the magazines....tomato sauce and microwave meal praps? ;)

Monkigirl said...

Dude, that sounds like a legendary evening. I'm jealous. I wish a had half-smashed pies, and spoon-eaten brie in my fridge after a night out. And seriously, there's nothing like a chilled magazine with which to wash down half a bottle of tomato sauce. Maybe you were thinking of making a Bloody Mary in the morning?

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - from your perspective, it sounds ROCKSTAR.COM :) I like your perspective, because it eases my loser's complex whatnot.

Yesterday I was like, 'Fuck Peas. YOU SHOULDN'T BE EATING BRIE WITH A BLOODY SPOON, CRISIS, GO TO CHURCH OR SOMETHING!'
:)

8ball said...

Hey Peas....I was there too....twas monumentally big, I cannot piece together the last part of the evening, including how or when I got home...

Some were green and some were red
The drinks that my friends to me fed
but the next morn
I woke up at dawn
With a pink sock stuck to my head

Peas on Toast said...

8ball - you have no idea how happy I am you're back! Seriously, a pink sock? Nice work china, I expect NOTHING less.

Damn I had no idea you were there, although, would we have remembered seeing each other? Probabaly not :)

8ball said...

Okay so it's not your pink sock then. That would have been awkward :)

Roster is pleasantly full this week, but am still up for that drink/Friends marathon soonish...

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - sounds good to me, let me know nexxxxt week which time suits. Till then hang onto that pink sock. ;)

Charmskool said...

Hahahahaha Peas you are a hoot! and now I feel so much better about the Woolworths bathing costume, one size too big, in brown fake leopard skin, still with the ticket hanging off it, that I bought the summer before last after a lunch with my girls that lasted from 11.30 to 6.30. Oh yeah and a couple of uber sexy bras (them I've worn - er fallen out of). I make myself look at the huge, ugly cozzie every time I meet them for lunch (most saturdays) to remind myself to stay out of shops after heavy red wine consumption. As for John Deeres... I DO know better than that!

Peas on Toast said...

Chamrskool - hahahahahahahaha
and now I feel so much better about the Woolworths bathing costume, one size too big, in brown fake leopard skin ahahahaha
* wipes away tears of mirth *
hahahaha


sorry, ok, will pull myself together. You win. Through and through. For worst case scenario post-drinking purchases. Wow that's a goodie.

Revolving Credit said...

Oohh...did the jager-get-free-shit-if-you-buy-shots thing one nite out with friends at kareoke spot in Camps Bay.

To cut thru the shit we just bought the bottle (fuck you know what it costs to a bottle per tot in Camps Bay).
Got lasery stuff, t-shirts, couple of beanies and other shit I don't recall.
Bonus was that after the 4 of us shot the jager bottle, our kareoke performance was stunning...well that was my view through jager-googles.

Peas on Toast said...

Jaeger-googles? wahahahaha, you sure you're not still hammered Rev?

Got lasery stuff, t-shirts, couple of beanies and other shit I don't recall. hahah sounds soooo familair! xxx