Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dear Richard Hammond

Hi there hot stuff. Oh, hi.

After five minutes of consternation, I actually have no idea what to say to you. Without you thinking that I’m not a crazy insane stalker.

So, I’ll leave it at that.

I want to have your babies I’ll go now.


Dear Richard Hammond

Thought I’d start over and write you a poem. I’m not good at poetry, but you’re very good at having beautiful teeth.

You’re British,

I think that’s lovely, it makes my groin skittish

You stand next to an Audi with your hand slung in your jeans pocket

My eyeball nearly jumps out of its socket

My libido begins to rocket

My poetry sucks, please don’t knock it

You have dashing white teeth and your hair fluffs up on the side

It’s so cute, it makes me want to be spanked on the hide

And commit sexual genocide

Let’s run drive [in a cool car] away and drink pints together in Dorset

You are well fit

Oh Richard Hammond you make my heart sing

I don’t care if you shortish and if you think I’m a ming….ah.

You even make leather necklaces look hot

And that’s saying a lot

Your funny little sayings get me all giddy

And for you I’ll always try and look priddy

Sometimes I wonder what your underpants look like

Even if they were Y-Fronts I wouldn’t tell you to take a hike

In fact. I’d want you to ride me like a bike. Just do it. Like a Nike.
show me your spike sing to you on a mic.

The End.


PS: I won’t charge you the five hundred bucks I charge my other clients to do a personal poetry reading just for you, in private, while naked, if you want.


Dear Richard Hammond

You rock and I am deeply in lust with you.

Love, Peas

Dear Richard Hammond

I am writing on behalf of the AQWV (Association of Questionable Volkswagens), and because of your knowledgeable reputation, I’d like to ask for your comment on how undercarriages just fall off vehicles that are of Germanic disposition and are seemingly sound, if not flawless, in design.

The hydraulic blastic-converter seems to have malfunctioned to the undeniable point whereby the crankshaft is exposed to the compressed oscillation of the gudgeon pin.

The other members of our faculty are just about losing a piston ring, and I myself, the owner of the vehicle, is throwing her poppet valves out of the cot.

I believe you would be able to supply us with a plausible conclusion as to our tachometric problems.

Kind regards,
Peas O’Toast

PS: I only wrote this letter as a front and to get your attention. I think you might’ve married the wrong bird, and I think we should both readdress that. Together.

PPS: When you almost died, I almost died.


Dear Richard Hammond

Hello. I love hamsters.

Just wrote you a sheaf of stalky letters referring to aspects of your body and your beautiful British disposition.

Won’t send them, so just know this: My number one fantasy of you includes a lot of sweaty banging in the bucket seat of a German sportscar, along the country roads of Shropshire.

Look, I also like someone else at the moment – but even so:

If only you could see what I could see.


The Chantal said...

LOL hillarious! and very cute n sweet :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks babe - now which one do I send? You know, to make an impression. ;)

The Levi Store said...

Tjis is so so sad Peas, im not sure what to say.. Its very lonely in the veg garden hey?!?
Must be... But a stunning read!

Peas on Toast said...

Why's it sad?

I'm a FAN.

Secret said...

I like the poem! Send the poem!!!!

The Levi Store said...

its sad cause while miss Bee is crazy obsessed with Mr R.. miss P is takin herself out of circulation by projectin an aura to all the alphas that she is gainfully bangin in a German sports car.. :-)

The Levi Store said...

when in fact she should be bangin in or on an Alpha... Italian Sports Cars so much better.. Even for Greeks.. :-)

icepick said...

Oh god Peas...I just read the subject in my RSS feader and was like "Oh fuck..Here we go..."

...And never in a short(like Hammond) lifetime could I have anticipated this desperate attempt at garnering celebrity attention for nothing more than copious amounts of unimaginably awful sweaty grinding, with a British man-women - who has unnaturally shiny white teeth... The guy needs training wheels ffs. :P

An now u got me thinking about whether or not he wears jocks or lingerie.. ergh!

Anyways, An abso-fucking-lutely brilliant post dude. Such an awesome read! haha love it!

Revolving Credit said...

If you want to be ridden properly, burn some rubber, have a full throttle follow through then send a letter to the Stig.

Just had a thought.

LAPTIME: The time it takes to play one song during a lapdance?

Mickey G said...

That's funny peas! Your poems are most delicious.

What would be even funnier is if the Hamster googled himself and stumbled onto your intricate writings. You never know he might just feel the same way too but was waiting for you to take the first step...

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - AWESOME. I'm gonna send him my poem!!

Levi - nyyyyak. Alpha's are nice until they break down and you have to sell your kidneys for parts. German cars all the way! (With R.Hammond inside, of course.)

ICEPICK - '''oH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT him AGAIN.' hahahahahaha.

This situation will only be rectified if he bends over the bonnet for me. In such a manner of speaking.

Rev - the Stig is smokin', but I can't see the definition of his body underneath the white jumpsuit. Or his eyes. Or teeth.
Maybe Hammond will allow a menage though...

Mickey - HAHAHAHAHAH! How hilarious:
Search results for Richard Hammond:
Top Gear
News sites on his accident
Peas On Toast crazy oversexed fan.

Do you think he will do you think he will??

Mini said...


lol :)

Revolving Credit said...

Unfortunately I keep trying to picture The Hamster behind the wheel and the only image that sticks is that of a hamster-wheel.

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - yeah thought I'd try my hand at it. Do I suck or do I rock?

Rev - all I can picture is his nakedness behind the wheel, and him managing to whisper sweet nothings in my ear while taking on hairpin bends at over 150.

Revolving Credit said...

round and round and round....run little hamster run...

Mini said...

U rock!

The Levi Store said...

He looks a little pale an pasty to me... just sayin. :) Us alphas dont like to see Peas lustin after this non fellow.. :)

icepick said...

You want HIM to bend for YOU? OMg... So typical... haha

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - thanks you :) Nice to know I could make it as a stalker. ;)

Levi - his skin is ENGLISH ROSE. That means its softer than a baby's bottom and is is generally AMAZING.

Peas on Toast said...

Icepick - If he bends, I'll bend triple.

Still typical? ;)

Tower said...

That right there is why you're a rock star peas.

At your most self effacing (that a real word?) you be the hot damn funnyste...like the condom post back in the day...

Shit, I really need to remember to check your posts more than once every four LOOOOng months.

Keep the faith sister, you're doing to jozi blogs what District 9 will do for Park town Prawns and the Afr. accent...

the branch manager said...


You're funny.

...and how do you manage to write shit like this before seven in the morning?

Peas on Toast said...

Aw shot Tower! You'll have to visit more, as I need to be educated in what District 9 is dude! :)

the branch manager - I get up, hate my life, and throw all of that onto a blog to wake up ;)

po said...

Not gonna even try and understand why you are hot for this man, but ahahahaha.

The Levi Store said...

peas.. Just a suggestion.. Drop that wankin poll thang.. and design a new poll.. With this Peter whoever in it.. Somehow.. And lets all vote.. :-)
Secondly as of 5 mins ago iv dumped my bunny.. By sms.. So its public now.. Im available.. Or almost.. Well Steven is anyway! :-)

Billy said...

Brilliant. Laughed, hard. Great post.

Tower said...

District 9. Google it my friend...you thought the kids from Table View were aliens...

Deanna Roe said...

Send him a birthday card...it's what I did. He's fantastic. I'm just over the moon that I'm not the only one who write poems about him. But yours are a little stranger than mine. xxx

Chez said...

Send both silly.....
It's so good to hear that I am not the only one who writes silly but real "feely" peorty. I am not alone!!

Mohka said...

Haha love that, you crazy!

http://www.canvasartprint.co.uk said...

I love Richard, he's the best!