Monday, August 03, 2009

loser


I had to create my own intervention this weekend.

It was possibly the going-to-a-movie-by-myself thing that really hammered the point home.

They say you don’t really know when you’re going mad, but I’m starting to panic about the state of my life.
At least I’m consciously aware that I’m slipping into this downward spiral of hopelessness, right? Right?

So I wnet to a movie flying solo. Either that’s stupidly brave, or just a sign of things as they are, because I enjoyed it thoroughly.

But I’ve been seriously worried about myself lately. It’s been a downslide, in congruence with winter becoming colder and darker. But I’ve truly become more reclusive as the weeks have rolled on, and frankly, I needed to check whether there were other losers like myself out there too.

I had a live TV interview on the sexual controversies of my book, on SABC on Saturday morning – this subject matter – mind you – defibrillated on live television, at 6:00am – oh yes.

Not an ideal challenge for a Saturday morning when you’re meant to be having a bloody lie-in.

From there, was convinced by my mother to go straight to the 9:00am Cinema Nouveau viewing of Bienvenue A La Ch’tis.

Or whatever it was. Am glad I went, it’s a gorgeous little French film that I loved, and I’ve ventured over the tetchy line of seeing Saturday morning movies by myself…Jesus, the panic, it is rising, HELP, FUCK, HELP! I’M A LOSER!

Then I got an erstwhile kernel of popcorn stuck in a molar.

And spent the former half of the movie trying to dig it out with my parking ticket, while a couple snogged gratuitously behind me.

I did it – all by myself! Sure, most people weren’t even awake by that stage, and there were only three of us in the cinema, and I haven’t seen a movie in ages, and I had my face plastered on already by the makeup-artists of the SABC.

Yet. Still. I am worried about myself. And how I prefer being on my own these days, rather than being around other people. In the comfort of my home, my pyjamas, my strings of DVD series, my books, myself. Just by myself.

I’m worried about my levels of hibernation. It’s never been this bad. Is it even normal? You don’t know until you actively seek a yardstick.

So we had a sherry-off at Ant’s house on Sunday afternoon. Sat and interrogated my friends over sherry about whether they’re losers also.

After I’d rearranged my cupboard and threw out half my clothes.

Peas: Are you guys ever bored? With this place? Completely demotivated to do anything social? Tired? Couldn’t be fucked to get off the couch?

Ant: Sure, all the time.

Peas: Even if you have each other? Are you, like, leaving the house?

Ant: Sure, I mean, it’s dark, cold, we’re tired; we don’t go out much either.

Peas: Would you go to a movie by yourself?

T: Have you gone twice? Because there’s a verrry fine line.

Peas: Once. Saturday, the first show.

T: Oh that’s fine. Cos then no-one you know will see you.

Peas: Great.

[pause]

Say, what do you guys do on an average weekend day? Because I don’t want to do anything.

Ant: Sounds about right. I work, watch DVDs or bumble around the house.

Peas: Oh thank God. Isn’t it awful?

Ant: No…because it’s just a phase. Things will change when spring arrives, I promise.

Peas: Please actually give me a guarantee. Because I’m in such a slump right now, I’m scared I’m turning into Sylvia Plath and it’s only a matter of time until I stick my head in an oven.
And I’m only contemplating writing my next book, I haven’t even started anything yet. Fuck! I should be doing something!

Ant: Don’t do that – the oven thing I mean – remember we’re going to Mozambique in 3 weeks.

Peas: Fuck yes we are. Thank God. This could be my lifesaver. From eternal loserdom.

Ant: Quite. And give it a few months, this isn’t forever. Just let it be. How many episodes of Friends are you watching a day?

Peas: 3, sometimes maybe even 4?

Ant: Shit. Wait I suppose it’s like watching 1.5 episodes of Life which is what we’re doing a day.

The jury is still out.
I’m worried that my routinely going-to-bed-at-9:00am-unless-Desperate-Housewives-in-on vibe has never been so bad.

I needed a second opinion, so I went to Google. And unfortunately under the word ‘What is a recluse’, I got some really disturbing images of cytotoxic poisoning by the recluse spider.

Am I depressed? I can’t cry, God knows I’ve tried. I’m just blah. Why? Why can’t something just change?

(Like the fucking weather?)

PS: Sherry is great for the cold. Ant was having hot flushes and everything.

27 comments:

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

You are not a loser Miss Peas! Far from it! Trust the sherry gave you a temp glow? Old Brown is good for that..
Someone once told me the cure for the blues is to make a list of things to be happy about! So she she started the list..
"My BF puts out the trash" and thats all she could come up with. So PSYCH tells her, cool, be happy with that, then come back next week, and add to the list! And so it went, one day she woke up with hundreds of things on the list. :) Stacks to be happy about! Not a loser!
Or you could simply take a trip to the sea side, pop into The Levi Store, and leave smiling! x

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - oh absolutely. One finds when one is a loser the smaller things to focus on and be happy about right? So here's the list:
1) long hot baths (loser)
2) Hot cups of Milo all day long (loser)
3) The Friends series (loser)
4) The new hat I'm wearing to work and have decided this will be my new look for the rest of my life. Or until my ears start sweating.
:)

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Ok, its clear now. I detect hormones long distance. Kind of a party trick I have. :) Thrash me! Beat me! I love it! (joking)
When is your next holiday Miss Peas? :)

totally cooked said...

heaven for me is being alone. so I too am a huge loser - would seriously go see a movie by myself if I could be arsed to stop as I drive home past the greenstone mall each day. I would do lots more things if I could be arsed but I have been hit so hard with the biggest case of the Meh's lately and I am normally always busy busy busy - oven is playing up so I can't even be arsed to pretend to be sylvia plath. all I can do if schloof around the house in husbands dressing gown while he bitches about me always wearing HIS gown - can't be arsed to get mine out from under his ;) winter feck it

Revolving Credit said...

Think of it this way: You're just resting your body, mind and soul before your next adventure, trip, book, life bender. It's winter, so chill (for those in Jozi the chill may be quite literal). Spring is bound to put a new bounce in your step and if you're good maybe in your bed.

So stop worrying, just ease your way through it and enjoy it for what it ease.
Don't make me come there and spank some sense into you!

PuffTone said...
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PuffTone said...

Don't feel tooo bad, I had a weekend with my bed and a box load of anime (cartoons) and junk food for the wntire weekend. You made it as far as a movie house? that's a big step.....Maybe it is the winter bug, the thought of venturing out is becoming so daunting right about now and I'm about one lonely weekend away from making a trip to the SPCA to adopt a "few" cats to match my single lifestyle....um excuse me whilst I go buy some rope at Macro! "Levi" I owe you a paragraph of a responce to your mail......I wanna have a comedy night....Peas? what say you? I'll supply all the stand up comedy and alcohol......

All Hail said...

Normally, I would be feeling your loserish vibes but NOT this last weekend. Why you may ask dear Peas?

Because I celebrated turning Twenty Four (tried to come up with a comical anecdote for 24 and all I came up with was 'twenty-whore' ha!)and celebrated it by making all my guests dress in all their luminescent splendour - 'Tight. Bright. Neon. Aight?!' And oh my giddy aunt was it debaucherous.

I had 2 margeritas, my brother-in-law bought a bottle of ol' Jose so I had 15 tequilsh and 2 hand grenades and was still standing at 5am on Saturday. Tick.

The Loserish times are what you make of them dear Peas. Maybe you should hit the jol with us maybe? They'll be gone in a flash (of neon)! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - thank heavens, in 3 weeks. I haven't chilled on a holiday in a very long time - beach, no phones, no computers, SUN...

totally cooked- I like how you refer to it as the 'case of the Meh's'...that's exactly what it is! And yep, what you're describing is exactly what it is...thing is you have someone to be Meh with...even if you're fighting over nightgowns!

Rev - thanks china. So you really think this is not forever and it will pass? I've never felt so ridiculously useless and down in my entire life. You promise this will pass? (Can I really relax about it??)

PuffTone - oh thank goodness! So you also watch dvds in bed and stuff? For hours? Alone? And there's NO OTHER PLACE YOU'D RATHER BE?
Thank heavens, sorry Pufftone, but I can't feel alone like this anymore!

All Hail - ah, you see this is the issue. When I was 24, I was crazy. Going out every night, drinkign tequila like is was water, all those wonderful things. Now I can't be arssed. I'm 1) too old to be going out every night and 2) over it. I've done my time sadly. The younger 20s are far far far behind me and I fear there is no turning back.

arnaut said...

Peas, don't fall into societies trap set by our parents and grandparents. When we want to we should be able to do anything with or without company.

It all depends on where you find yourself at any given time.

So Peas, break the mould every so often and enjoy it as much as possible.

Secret said...

Ya know, there is nothing wrong with seeing a movie alone.
When I was dating my ex, I used to regularly take myself to movies on a friday night - granted I was living the boringest lifestyle on the planet, but even now I go to movies alone sometimes - when I dont feel like going out partying and I dont want to stay at home.
The past 2 or 3 months have seen Friday nights spent at home watching DVD's. I honestly can say I know how you feel, I also dont feel like going out, which is prolly the worst idea coz before you know it, Ill be a 50 year old spinster with cats and stale box wine and a broken two seater couch which I never get off of.

Ahem, Im going out on Friday night.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Arnaut! Yes I think society has a lot to do with it, as 1) I'm not mixing enough with society at the moment, at least less than I was (besides work of course) and 2) society dictates that single 28 year olds should be out and about right. Right?

I just can't be asked right now, so maybe I should just let it be.

Secret - You say you've spent the last 2-3 months watching dvds on a Friday! Yippeee! Sorry, but that sounds about right - in general anyway. Going out means putting on layers of clothing, being nice and charming to people after a long, hard week, and also actually stepping outside and away from my comfortable couch where I can just BE.

Fuck. Then the whole spinster 50-year old-cats thing also creeps into my head and I think: NO NO! I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! NO!

God, it's such a scary thought, that it might even save us from our reclusedom.

totally cooked said...

here's the bit I forgot to mention - husband works "away" only comes home for like 10 days (ish) every 3 months (maybe) currently on a home visit and I don't even have the energy to bitch out loud when he uses MY basin in the bathroom. normally I am blissfully alone at home. Don't even snigger when he wails about his gown - can't even be bothered to fight for my tv remote ;) I am an All Star ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Ah ok fair enough. And just when you get used to your own space and your own habits, he comes back and causes havoc?

Nessers said...

There is a difference between doing something alone because you want to and because you have to. I go to movies on my own all the time as I can then see what I want and not compromise to see something else and no it does not make us loosers it makes us INDEPENDENT because I am sure if you had wanted someone to go with you you would have called a friend and met them - I love being by myself these days and am worried about what I will do when I get involved again cos there will go a lot of my ME time

the branch manager said...

Don't worry, Peas. Can't remember when last I went to a movie with another person. And please don't publish pictures like those, that's off. Nearly lost my breakfast...

the branch manager said...

Oh, and life becomes much easier once you accept your loserdom... (or is it loserhood, loserness, fuck I don't know, I'm a loser).
Uplifting quote from my friend Racine: "When you feel that nobody loves you, Nobody cares for you, Everyone is ignoring you, You should really ask yourself...... Am I a doos?"

Kate said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HELLO MY LIFE.. god peas you always capture exactly what i have been thinking myself. The boredom of jozi and reclusive vibe... and the movie alone thing!! damn i was just hatching my plan regarding a lonely viewing of 'the hangover' yes i know no cinema noveau but EVERYONE i know has seen and loved it and I am without viewing companion. sigh. newly single and not ready to mingle ;p peas next time - find me on FB and please join me for a movie?

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - exactly, and there's a part of me that thinks, 'Bugger it. It's 9:00am, who wants to see this French movie ANYWAY? I do, so I might as well just go.'

I'm also scared of when I get involved again. It'll fuck up my whole little me-routine completely!

branch manager - ahhaha sorry. Now I'm even MORE of loser with the picture choice :)
Sure, I'm probably also a doos. And I've accepted my loserdom, mainly because one has to I guess. I just wonder if these things are fluid or static - like will I always be a loser/doos, or will this change?? THAT'S what ultimately worries me.

Kate - hello there my fellow little movie-alone-goer! Good on you my dear, at least I know we're not alone - because I'm with you, and you've mirrored MY thoughts eaxctly: I'm single and ALSO not ready to mingle. I just worry if we ever will be ready? God, here's hoping!

PuffTone said...

Hmmmm (arms folded head nodding like a geek at the Star Wars Expo).....you need to be careful thou.

Imagine, I'm a DJ but the club scene has become so scary. I could party up a storm but somehow when I'm at the club I miss my blanky and there's a series I could of finished watching.

Please tell me there's hope for me? pretty please. I'm looking forward to end of winter, that way I know my party sprees with resume and I can go back to the socialite lifestyle.

Don't worry there's hope for us singles

HeartArt said...

loser schmoozer.
You've got nothing on me and I celebrate my loserliness.
I revel in not having to get out of bed all day.
I bask in the adoration of my four legged, tail swishing, brown eyed babies when we share the bag of crips and donuts.
Nothing says emancipated woman like I'm not going out because I don't want to and when I do it will be alone because then I can decide where I am going, what I am doing, what time I'll get there, when I am leaving and better yet I don't have to look good for anyone!

Peas on Toast said...

Pufftone - that's so weird, when I'm out I also miss my blanky! Fuck! Your work at least insists that you're in some sort of party atmosphere on some level right?

But you're right - I do believe winter is the root of all of this. I really do.

Heart - wow, ok. That is perspective indeed. As during the week, I live to work. And in that realm, I am very lucky to have something that I'd happily get out of bed for in the morning. My question is - do you dig it? Because I hate being in this slump where the only thing that dictates what I do is my office.

But either way, thanks for the perspective Heart.

HeartArt said...

I suppose in the realm of being alone it can get a bit worrying that I don't seek the company of others and I don't know if it is a phase that will pass (but since it's been going on for a good few years I doubt it).
Being older and wiser now I have learnt not to sweat the small stuff so to speak, as others have assured you, I can too, spring does elicite a burgeoning desire to meet, greet, socialise and do something exciting and fresh.
Either way, whatever your status, single or not, hibernating is natural at this time of year unless you have one of those personalities that can't survive without human interaction.
Get another bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, some really good soppy movies and snuggle in to enjoy the last few weeks of winter.

Mini said...

U are not a looser!(Maybe a loner)

The real looser is society that lives according to the rules,tells u how to be happy,pretend to be happy and the next thing you hear their sshitty sob stories and you realise what a fucking awsome life u have

Sipho said...

There was an awful moment this weekend when I thought of going to watch a movie - alone. Thank God I didn't. :)

Paul said...

Only *4* episodes of Friends? Ha! About four years ago I was supposed to go on a hike up Table Mountain [Skeleton Gorge] one Sunday morning; it was pissing with rain on the day so we went home and watched *13* hours worth of Season 2 of "24" :-) And this must be rank as an A+ loser event: going to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King by myself at Cavendish Square at the end of 2003 LOL

Paul said...
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