Tuesday, August 04, 2009


So, from what I hear – and what you say – is that being a loser is about embracage and acceptance. Right? Where you’re proud to declare in any which scenario, ‘Yeah, thing is, I’m a loser. Hope you’re ok with that.’

So why not rip the ring out of it? I’ve henceforth created a Proud To Be A Loser Guide.
And what it takes to be a loser. A well-rounded happy loser, who lives by a set of rules [notwithstanding the welcome onslaught of summer], and guidelines, in order to fulfill their prophecies.

1) Losers Watch Lame Series That Were In Vogue In The 90s
They pretend that they are actually living on set. They say things in public like, ‘I’m off to visit Ross and Rachel, see you guys later,’ and it’s not unheard of them to mutter, ‘What would Chandler do?’

2) They listen to really bad music, and work to the likes of Tchaikovsky while other people swoon over Brandon Flowers’ skinny jeans
They don’t care if their neighbours hate their DJ S’Bu and Air Supply. All night long.

3) Real loser’s have non-arbitrageable shares (you like that?) in Woolworths.
They only buy the ready-made meals, mostly soups and the Valu-Buckets of croutons, Lindt, and high fibre yoghurts. The bird at the Woollies Engen knows you by first name.

4) Real Loser’s Wear Ski Hats To Work
As their ‘new look.’ Whether it’s a day full of workshops, presentations to clients, or whatever. You wear that hat. And you wear it good. Even if your ears are sweating, Real Losers never falter – they follow through.

5) Real Losers Love Sorting Laundry
It’s really exciting.

6) Real Losers Look Forward To A Long Hot Bath At 3:30pm.
Down to the products that they’ll use during this particular bath session. The spa salt scrub from The Body Shop? (manufactured with real honey, so it’s all creamy and wonderful you want to eat it), or the detoxifying neroli salts from Sh’Zen, or maybe just the walnut and vanilla Lush Bar?

Real losers take bath products seriously.

Before you break down in tears because you may or may not do any of these things,
there is good stuff about loserdom too. From what I gather:

Hibernation is [usually] temporary.
And reclusion doesn’t mean you’re not getting a lot of other shit done during a working day. For the other moments I am out of the office, I enjoy being by myself. At least for now.

However, Losers must be careful of the following (according to my confabulated research):

1) Buying a bunch of cats.
2) The Hallmark Channel
3) Tight chinos. The baggy ones are putrid enough.
4) Writing your name on every DVD you own.
5) Only eating chicken nuggets
6) Wondering constantly about places they want to be, and it’s nowhere near home.
7) Putting hair curlers under the ski hat and going out in public
8) Start talking to the kettle
9) Very long, undulating periods of any of the above

The thing is, everyone has a piece of Loser within. It’s human nature, and when you’re feeling particularly cold and unsociable, you tend to let the Loser out to play.

At least I fucken hope so.

I also somehow don’t feel so alone in my hibernation, truth is I’m rather enjoying it. But it can’t last forever, and frankly, fuck it, I’m going to Mozambique soon.

Steamed vegetables for 3 weeks comin’ right up.

(From Woollies, of course.)


Anonymous said...

One who gets lots of comments.
One who operates in love.
One who visits crock folkes.
One who is kind and patient.
One who is honest and perseveres.
From me 2 u!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Levi :) Bless!

Anonymous said...

I am a loser and I love it!
...but only until Summer hits Cape Town...and even then, some of the more fun loser things shall still be on my agenda.

Peas on Toast said...

Yay Jade! I'm starting to like this whole 'let's embrace loserdom' scenario - I won't lie!
Here's to summer.....God may it get here already!

Secret said...

So I dont do ski hats, but I do rock Berets, and I frequent woolies and I dont work and shower to Classical music -- so yay for me!

I had a good laugh at this post, and yeah, hail Summer coz there is nothing better than getting out and shedding out winter layers (and by layers I means kilograms, not clothes).

I dunno if like Jazzy kinds of music, but if you get the chance, look up and listen to Stacey Kent - this womans voice is magical. It embodies 1920's husky glamour - every song is like an eargasm. :)

Secret said...

I mean I do work and shower, not dont...I dont know how the "nt" got in there.

PuffTone said...

One hellova come back might I add! I was wondering where you were going with this whole looser thing, making us expose ourselves like we were guests on Jerrry Springer!

Secret just let out a secret on showers and work, had it been another talk show it might of been taken the wrong way, Imma book her with 3 talk with Noelene.......I'm wondering how many people tried to pronounce her surname at the thought of her.......

I'm not alone - that much I know! Summer come already!

Peter said...

Did you get the Lush thing when you were in the UK? If you can get it in Jo'burg please let me know where?

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - I LOVE the beret vibe! (Well I don't own one - but I'm GONNA.) You've inspired me, and I'm going to go and do some hat shopping over the weekend, yay! One more thing to live for! haha :)
PS: Will check out Stacey Kent in the meantime!

PuffTone - I'm just sooo glad some of you guys are embracing loserdom too. Seriously. It makes me feel like although we're Jerry Springer - we're all in the audience togevver, knowhadimean? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Peter - I sadly did get it in the UK :(
Arrgh - we need a VISA to get extra stashes now. GRRR.

It's even in Germany!

But not here - perhaps they do online orders? Isn't it the best stuff ever? Their shampoo is also devine - it's like a salty paste you plop onto your hair and it does AMAZING things to the shine...sigh :(

Anonymous said...

Any recipes for steamed veg? Nah! Some lemon, add olive oil, a little salt and pepper! Ang guess what? No more loser!

JL said...

I was a loser once back in the nineties but then I became cool when I bought a moped and a helmet that has spiderman's face on it which is even cooler because in the third one spiderman is a delivery boy and uses a moped too which is why they became cool but I was cool already by then and I never bath. So I'm not a loser.

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - but where's the CHEESE? ;)

JL - hello stranger! :)

You're definitely not a loser. If was the no bath thing that got me, not your super cool amazing motorbike purchase ;)

mEeLa said...

Hey Peas

Look up Seasonal Affective Disorder - It's a real psychological disorder, listed in journals and stuff. But i just laugh at it cos it's acronym is SAD :P

Peas on Toast said...

MEela - thanks so much, a lead! A LEAD! I'm going to look right now. SAD probably doesn't describe it - I really thought I wasn't one to be affected by the seasons...