Tuesday, August 04, 2009
So, from what I hear – and what you say – is that being a loser is about embracage and acceptance. Right? Where you’re proud to declare in any which scenario, ‘Yeah, thing is, I’m a loser. Hope you’re ok with that.’
So why not rip the ring out of it? I’ve henceforth created a Proud To Be A Loser Guide.
And what it takes to be a loser. A well-rounded happy loser, who lives by a set of rules [notwithstanding the welcome onslaught of summer], and guidelines, in order to fulfill their prophecies.
1) Losers Watch Lame Series That Were In Vogue In The 90s
They pretend that they are actually living on set. They say things in public like, ‘I’m off to visit Ross and Rachel, see you guys later,’ and it’s not unheard of them to mutter, ‘What would Chandler do?’
2) They listen to really bad music, and work to the likes of Tchaikovsky while other people swoon over Brandon Flowers’ skinny jeans
They don’t care if their neighbours hate their DJ S’Bu and Air Supply. All night long.
3) Real loser’s have non-arbitrageable shares (you like that?) in Woolworths.
They only buy the ready-made meals, mostly soups and the Valu-Buckets of croutons, Lindt, and high fibre yoghurts. The bird at the Woollies Engen knows you by first name.
4) Real Loser’s Wear Ski Hats To Work
As their ‘new look.’ Whether it’s a day full of workshops, presentations to clients, or whatever. You wear that hat. And you wear it good. Even if your ears are sweating, Real Losers never falter – they follow through.
5) Real Losers Love Sorting Laundry
It’s really exciting.
6) Real Losers Look Forward To A Long Hot Bath At 3:30pm.
Down to the products that they’ll use during this particular bath session. The spa salt scrub from The Body Shop? (manufactured with real honey, so it’s all creamy and wonderful you want to eat it), or the detoxifying neroli salts from Sh’Zen, or maybe just the walnut and vanilla Lush Bar?
Real losers take bath products seriously.
Before you break down in tears because you may or may not do any of these things,
there is good stuff about loserdom too. From what I gather:
Hibernation is [usually] temporary.
And reclusion doesn’t mean you’re not getting a lot of other shit done during a working day. For the other moments I am out of the office, I enjoy being by myself. At least for now.
However, Losers must be careful of the following (according to my confabulated research):
1) Buying a bunch of cats.
2) The Hallmark Channel
3) Tight chinos. The baggy ones are putrid enough.
4) Writing your name on every DVD you own.
5) Only eating chicken nuggets
6) Wondering constantly about places they want to be, and it’s nowhere near home.
7) Putting hair curlers under the ski hat and going out in public
8) Start talking to the kettle
9) Very long, undulating periods of any of the above
The thing is, everyone has a piece of Loser within. It’s human nature, and when you’re feeling particularly cold and unsociable, you tend to let the Loser out to play.
At least I fucken hope so.
I also somehow don’t feel so alone in my hibernation, truth is I’m rather enjoying it. But it can’t last forever, and frankly, fuck it, I’m going to Mozambique soon.
Steamed vegetables for 3 weeks comin’ right up.
(From Woollies, of course.)