Thursday, March 31, 2011

hot summer sale ii

The Dove and I continue to bang on, in our little fantasy world of fake clients and fake products.

In the interest of PR (my world) and advertising (her world), I thought I'd share Part II of our Facebook-Skype conversation. An invitation into our bubble of deludedness, over one given day, if you will:

Dove: Client wants "Our sneakers are the best! You won't get better anywhere else! They are the best! And, they are cheap! You won't get cheaper anywhere else! With our sneakers you can run 6 kilometers a day for three years! We've tested them! On animals!"

Peas: Can we substantiate that 6km/year for 3 years stat? Client says he's been sued five times this year by the Advertising Standards Authority and can't afford - literally - to be sued again.

Dove: Client has just had a call from someone who ran 6 kilometers a day for three months, and his heel fell off. Still trying to clarify whether it's the heel of his shoe, or his actual heel. In the latter case, they will have to close down the factory.
Will keep you informed.

Peas: We can potentially cover this issue with an orthotic. I'm geared to handle PR disasters by spin-doctoring practical solutions.
We will provide the orthotic free of charge.

Dove: Shit. The customer's foot has fallen off. It's going to make the front page of The Sunday Times. Any suggestions?

Peas: We could do one of two things, so we can avoid a PR disaster.
1) Send them a statement, buy the man a peg leg, and give him statistics that reveal that there are more people in the world dying of starvation than by having one leg;
2) Sleep with the editor

PS: I am doubling the charge on their retainer.

Dove: See attached. The guy is so pissed he's now suing for ear damage. PR?

Peas: Tell him not only will we pay for not one, but two orthotic heels. With memory-foam compression, exteriored in cork from Guernsey. And then send him this statement (attributable to a spokesperson):

"We are deeply concerned to hear..."  - no wait. "We are deeply concerned to learn of your ear damage. We take ear damage very seriously. However we do make it clear in our policies that orthotics in sneakers are a necessary vice for most citizens with high arches, and therefore do not feel that this case should be dealt with any differently."

Then throw in an earpiece for good measure.

Dove: Should I mention that we've made a new ad on the first built-in orthotic sneaker with adjustable peg leg in the entire global market? 

Peas: Client just got back to me on the sneaker campaign.
He loves the idea of the 'BUY A SNEAKER AND GET AN ORTHOTIC FREE!!!' However, because he's been sued 6 times, has had to have emergency ear drum surgery and is undergoing a current PR crisis, he can't afford to provide orthotics.

So instead I have suggested that he just provide the OTHER sneaker free. Not everything has to be marketed in pairs. "BUY ONE SNEAKER AND GET THE OTHER ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE!!!!! NO STRINGS ATTACHED, JUST LACES!!!!!!!!'
I need your sign off on this before we proceed with the new pitch.

And then we called it a day.

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