Thursday, March 15, 2012

sneeze-enablers: the new socialists

And another thing.

Since I've ousted myself in the world of paranoid acrophobia, I might as well blow forth and tell you how much I hate it when other people sneeze.

But not only because it's disgusting, and because they send their diseased particles across the ether so that you might be infected. 'Flu, TB and other shit aside, sneezing is fucking disgusting. I think that's something we can all agree on.

What pisses me off is not the disease-riddled air that they leave me in. That just scares me - and I make myself stop breathing for two minutes until I am sure it has passed - it's when the cretin sneezes. And sneezes. And sneezes. And sneezes again. And. Just. Doesn't. Stop.

One is bad. Five in a row and I'm losing my patience.

Then you get a bell-end who insists on saying "Bless You" 8000 times. It goes something like this:


Bless you!


BLESS you!

Aachoo. Oh my. I think I have a cold coming on. (No fucking kidding asshole.)

Ah shame! That's awful! Bless you.


Annnd bless you again.... (Now you can tell the tedium is creeping into the voice. But since he's been saying 'Bless You' throughout this sneeze attack, he can't stop now. The show must go on.)

Aachoo. Oh my word? I am definitely coming down with something.

Ha ha. Well this is fun. Bless you.

I don't know who the bigger dick is to be honest. The sneezer or the enabler.
By saying bless you, you're basically giving the guy your blessing to just carry on emitting shit into the sky. Oh and look, a snot bubble. Not to mention other microscopic detritus.

Stop being a rod, and try something else instead. Why not try "Fuck You," instead of "Bless You?" For one, you don't need to keep saying it over and over again to get your point across, and for two - the person who is sneezing over and over again needs to leave the room. He doesn't need to be blessed.

People who sneeze over and over again are not only infectious, they're fucking disruptive. How many times have I been working on something, and someone decides to have a sneeze seizure next to me. It's noisy as fuck.

Dude. Go to the bathroom. Sneezing is neither dignified or socially acceptable.

And yes, I appreciate that people aren't always riddled with TB or Ebola. Maybe it's because you have SERIOUS allergies. The Brit is guilty of this - he sneezes when he's faced with microscopic dust particles. And I'm the first to admit, I fucking sneeze when I go anywhere near pollen.

But I hate myself for it. I get extremely annoyed with my body and its involuntary functions. So I blow my nose and sort my shit out. I get whatever it is bothering my nasal cavity out of my nose.
And most importantly - I tell people around me that it's OK not to tell me I'm blessed; in fact please don't. It makes me feel compelled to say 'thank you' the whole time. When I should be focusing on not sneezing in the first place.

Sneezers are one thing; sneezer-enablers who run around giving blessings after every sneeze are idiots. One day someone will sneeze something out of their nostril and it will hit you square in the face. Or worse. Mouth.

So there you have it. Is this rant fair? No. Is it totally uncalled for, inappropriate, self-fulfilling, hypocritical and most people can't do much about it?

Of course it fucking is. But sneezing enablers are helmets. And must be told.


The Chantal said...

I hate the wet sounding sneeze, eww makes me cringe coz it just sounds like more germs are coming your way. And I hate people who cough and don't cover their mouth with their hand, whenever someone sneezes or coughs nearby I hold my breath for a while hoping the germs dissipate.

Vannessa said...

Ha ha I will remember this if we should ever meet(highly unlikely unless you visit us on a Tuesday night in Cape Town - standing invite, by the way!). I suffer dreadfully from allergies and have a tendency to do the multiple sneeze thing. I usually tell the enablers not to bother blessing me else they'll just get tired of it.

Secret said...

Having a bad day? :)

Secret said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Art Jeweller said...

I hear you Peas. I have been known to spin around and run for the door. Can't help it.
And when I feel a sneeze coming on I have learned to COMPLETELY hold it in.
My eyes bulge like a Bulldog, my face goes red like a serious piss cat, but hey, it's worth it..