BE 3000

 I chose a bag yesterday, [Mulberry, fuck] and had to tear my hand away from the mouse I was pushing around: no can do.

In two weeks, if everything goes OK with my next visa adventure, the Dove and I will be flying out to Helsinki. Buying a bag would blow my budget.*

We've started planning the really rudimentary things, not stuff like flights or accommodation - but the bear essentials for our so-entitled trip, BALTIC EXTRAVAGANZAH 3000.**

Well it better bloody go ahead. God give me a new (long) Schengen visa. On time. Please?

The plan is to let loose in London over the Jubilee weekend, string some bunting over the balcony, eat cakes emblazoned in Union Jack icing and refer to Her Maj the whole day, while getting Pimmed up in Battersea Park. London will be on fire, and one needs to celebrate.

Thereafter, we will fly to Finland. Then head to Estonia. Then to Latvia. Then to Lithuania. And back home again. Nine days, swinging backpacks and kicking back in Europe's ex-Russian countries.

For the purposes of the trip, we have created a very useful glossary. This is basically superdee duperdee useful phraseology for BALTIC EXTRAVAGANZAH 3000. I mean, we don't even know what the word 'hi' is in any of those languages. The question is though, do we want to?

When you go to a new country, where people speak Gork Gok, you usually learn all the boring things like "where is the bus station," and "my name is Peas." Or like when I learnt Spanish, "Where is the taco stand?"

Not on my clock. Learning languages should be fun and it should make you friends in foreign places. Frankly, I'm turning this bitch around. I am instructing Dove that we need to learn one edgy, bordering on offensive, CATCH PHRASE for each country we visit.

Here is the glossary, for all intents and purposes, if you ever visit any of these places and also want your linguist abilities to get gasps of admiration:

Estonian:
Why is there a donkey in our room? - miks on eesel meie toas?
OK. Who ate my last banana? - Ok, kes sõid mu viimane banaan?
Horses have chromosomes too - hobused on kromosoomid ka.

Finnish:
It's easy to forget that Billy Zane was in Titanic - On helppo unohtaa, että Billy Zane oli Titanic
My shoes are stuck to the ceiling, but it's fine, I never liked them anyway - Omat kengät ovat kiinni kattoon, mutta se on hieno, en koskaan pitänyt niistä silti.
Eat this, ball bag - Syö tämä, pallo pussiin

Latvian:

Hello, wank stain - sveiki wank traipu

Definitely pack extra apples - Noteikti pack papildu ābolus.
That yellow horse is watching me with one eyeball - Ka dzeltenais zirgu vēro mani ar vienu acs ābola.
 

Lithuanian:
And the child runs! - Ir vaikas eina! [act surprised]
Let’s be honest, the man has great hair - Leiskite būti sąžiningas, žmogus turi didelį plaukų.
I just ate 4000 washing-up sponges - Aš ką tik valgė keturis tūkstančius indų plovimo kempinės.

We should be all set. And now, so should you.

* Next month. Maybe.

** From now on will refer to BALTIC EXTRAVAGANZAH 3000 as such. In capitals only, because it is extremely important and gallant and mind bending and life changing.