in the spirit of saying it how it is

Here are a few things I wish I could say out loud, but am not honest enough to.

Lately, I've been struck with the (British?) affliction of being too polite (read: passive aggressive) when it actually comes to saying things I really and truly mean.

Obviously, there's a time and place, and depending on who you're talking to (your boss? a dude wielding an axe? your mother in law?) it would be so entirely liberating to be able to just say what the fuck you mean.

This person has led by example,  and while I don't keep up with the day-to-day politics of South Africa anymore (unless it involves a corrupt presidential painting with its wanger hanging out), this really hit a nerve for me.

This is what I'd like to say. To no one in particular. You know who you are.

1) When you tell me that the only person you have ever loved is not my mother, that really hurts me.
When one girlfriend differs from one day to the next, that worries me. When the only texts you send me are about what I should be listening to late at night, that exasperates me.

2) When you feel that you constantly need to name drop, or tell me how rich your friends are by the size of their holiday home, or that you're seemingly only impressed by money and what it buys you, I am not interested in being your friend. And I'm not a socialist. Believe you me.

3) I forgot you were on Facebook until you had a kid. Turns out you were just hibernating until you spawned and wanted to show the world, constantly, what you created. Yay for the rest of us. Putting up pictures of your child every single day - of it bathing, sitting, walking, crapping - you probably don't know (or care?) but I have blocked your news feed. Not because I don't like children, it's because I'm not in love with your child as much as you are. Why do I have to see it, literally,  all day long? A few pictures at chosen moments are great, but does something happen that you literally cannot stop clicking the 'Upload Now' button?
Photos are the lesser evil, in fact. It's the text that really drives me beserk. Statuses that say things like, "Oh my word, little Rupert must be the most well behaved baby in the world. He literally slept for 7 hours last night! Mummy and Daddy are so proud, we are just so blessed. And look at how smiley he is!"

Then, five seconds later, "Rupert just lifted his finger and pointed at Mummy! I am the happiest, luckiest Mummy in the world! Here are 567 pictures of him in case you don't understand just how AMAZING AND HAPPY I AM!"

People. Most individuals, bar your mum, don't give a camel's asshole. But imagine what it must be like for people out there who can't have children, and can't conceive or even meet the right partner. While you're gloriously happy, there may be people out there struggling with fertility or even just getting a solid's night's rest because their kid has a colic problem. Your status doesn't make them feel a whole lot better. This is not me, yet, but it just might be in a few years.

4) I find it hard work to have a one-on-one conversation with you. I'm sociably inept as it is. Probably from being an only child or something, but unless you've got a bit of character, I find endless small talk quite tiresome. Do we really have much in common anyway?

5) Two things I find really difficult to deal with in people (again, I am mostly sociably intolerant most of the time, that I know) are a) arrogance and b) those who never pay for anything.
Arrogance is just off-putting, (especially if it's unfounded. "Do you know who I am?" No asshole, I don't.) It's often in attempt to counteract for something a lot smaller, of course.
Then when someone continually never contributes to a bill, or just assumes that someone will get their lunch (it's the assumption more than the bill itself. Ask! Even if I refuse!), over and over again, that's really annoying. So if I'm a little resentful, this is probably why.

6) On a positive note - as the above are obviously all a bit ranty - if I'm truthful about what I like, then this is it: eating, sleeping, watching bad reality TV on the couch, smoking a cigarette on my balcony, sitting in a park with my head in the sun, going to foreign places that no one is interested in, drinking good scotch, reading murderous biographies, taking pictures of ugly buildings, the Bridget Jones trilogy (soon!), cheesy music (people always give me my iPod back), clothes, bags and shoe shopping, listening to really loud music - the same song - over and over again, lighting candles, stand up comedy.

In other words: if I'm honest? I am probably, by definition, the uncoolest person living on this planet.
Cool people, and certainly in London, have way more interests than I do. I dip into these once in a while, but mostly, up there? That's me.

7) The truth? I wish I could be more confrontational in real life. I wish I could be as direct as I am on a blog. I wish I was more assertive, less passive aggressive, more tolerant, more patient. More normal, less hormonal eccentric.

8) The truth? That Zuma picture was genius. For God's sake, I would've bought it. (Before, not after.)