Monday, November 05, 2012

The Adventures of Dayde (part 3)



While he had exhausted his list of night clubs to pitch the top of the range Lexmark printer, Dayde only really had his sights set on the one, the only, the PLACE WHERE LAHAZERS EXPLODE FROM YOUR COCKTAIL..... AVASTAR!

And he had a meeting set up with the manager, set up by his PA Rizanne (Richard + Lizanne), that he could not afford to miss. Rizanne said they needed two "serious printers" to pump out their monthly quotes (from crates of Jaegies to super-sonic lahazers and flame frowers), and Dayde believed that the Lexmark 4000 CCi6's would be perfect for the job.

So he piled Waydene and Obnoxious into the Ka. Now, Dayde was looking pretty pro in his chinos and aquamarine Strockles, and, accompanied by Obnoxious and Waydene - a right hand man and a left hand lezzer - he seemed particularly high-powered and business-savvy.

When they arrived at AVASTAR, Dayde was green with the realisation that this could be his biggest sales pitch yet. His Strockles were shining - courtesy of some buffing and touching-up by Tali and her nail kit.

He stepped into the bowels of a club frequented by such colourful personalities as Mikey Schultz et al. Standing in the middle of the fantasy-land that is the best club in the southern hemisphere, surrounded by laating from the centre of techno-hell itself, and fibreglass mountains spewing flames, and see-fru floors under which the strippers change-rooms were and Dayde could see some tits 'n ass.... He had a brain wave...."HYELLLL BOET. THIS IS THE TAAP OF PLACE WHERE AAH BELONG."


Dayde stood in Avastar, with a COCKtail, waiting to meet the CEO - Lolly Jackson's brother, Zayne.
Because he was so struckstruck by Zayne, he completely forgot his well-versed sales pitch and instead had a conversation that went like this:

 "Zayne bru. Do you wanna buy a printer?"

Zayne looked him up and down. "What for?"

Dayde: "Well you can print stuff bru. Like tickets and posters promoting your Avastar cocktails. "

Zayne: I dunno Dayde, this printer nonsense doesn't sound like something I would want to invest in."

"Dayde: I frow/throw in a free pair of Strockles boet.

Zayne: "Yussus hey now you're talking. How many you got bru?"

Dayde: "A whole bunch my china. In purple, aquamarine and cammo coloured for when you're in the bush."

Just then Clayzette walked in, with her hair on fire.

Zayne, being the macho guy he is, takes off his wife-beater and starts to swat Clayzette's perm with the force of a Boeing in full take-off mode, while shouting: "WHO THE HYELLLL TURNED ON THE BLADDY FLAME FROWERS ET TEN IN THE MORNING???!!!! WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU'RE FAAAAAD!!!"

Meanwhile, the hair-swatting wasn't working, due to the fact that Zayne's wife beater was made of highly flammable polyester. But, in ran Obnoxious, carrying a fire-extinguisher so powerful it could have put out the explosions on the 85th floors of both Twin Towers with one spurt.

Except that Obnoxious accidentally sideswiped a pole on his way in to save the day,  immediately minimising his chance for serious career growth in the firefighting business.

Clayzette's perm continued to rage on in a ball of blazing inferno, now spreading widely like a jumping squirrel in between the group, whose collective wearing of polyester surmounted to 99.8%.

"If only there was a warder(water) machine," thought Zayne, as fire erupted around him.

Then he remembered! The giant Stroc with the fountain mechanism that sprouted out of the toe, had been bought by Avastar only a few days ago! Avastar had bought the Stroc bronze statue from the Apartheid Museum because visitors were complaining that the Stroc wasn't 'Apartheidy' enough.

Quick as a flash, Zayne and Dayde filled the Stroc with Bloody Mary mix. They needed something stronger than water or foam. They needed lycopene. Which is a mineral found in fortified tomatoes. They pumped the Stroc full of the mix, and aimed it at Clayzette's flaming hair and everyone's polyester clothes.

The result was stupendous.
Because just as the Bloody Mary mix was expelled from the giant bronze Stroc,  covering every single person in immediate range head to toe in a foray of stray celery and lycopene, Obnoxious managed to suddenly get the fire extinguisher working.

The result was humungous blobs of foam being expelled directly towards Dayde's now wide open cake hole as he gawped at the scene.

The foam mixed with the tomato cocktail turned everything into a pink mousse. And the problem was that the foam, nor the Bloody Mary mix, was not stopping. The stop valve had bust on Obnoxious' fire extinguisher and the Stroc continued to pump out tomato liquid at 8000 miles an hour, ricocheted off every surface in the club.

People were swimming in the foamy pink tsunami, grabbing onto anything that floated by, like a velvet couch or a lazer beam machine or a bar stool.


Clayzette, now bald and devoid of polyester, grabbed onto a floating stray Lexmark printer that had started bobbing around her. She pulled Dayde and Zayne out of the foaming ripcurl wave - which people were now surfing on - and to her delight, realised that the Strockles were keeping people alive! They were mean, clean, life saving machines!

Their buoyant rubbery texture ensured that everyone wearing them could stay afloat. They all squeezed on top of a giant floating Lexmark CCi6 printer and waited for help from the Metro Police Dog Unit.

Dayde, although choking due to the noxious and potentially deathly mix of lycopene, celery strings and extinguisher foam cascading down his throat, is smiling like a slutty teen on Southbroom beach on New Years, because he knows that the Lexmark CCi6 printer and the Strockles – both very closely associated with him – are currently the only things saving everyone’s lives.

And, in a stroke of luck a bottle of Jaegi and a jar of peanuts have found their way onto their floating printer, and the faulty electrics have fired up the turntables, so the team are having a jolly time getting wasted, eating peanuts, and bopping to a remix combo of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’ and Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’.

In fact, Dayde is getting so involved in a chat with Zayne – an oke with some serious East/West Rand connections with which a friendship would be particularly beneficial for both Dayde’s career and life-protection – that when the Metro Dog Unit arrives with a really rather ludicrous amount of Rottweilers, interrupting Dayde and Zayne’s chat just as Zayne is about to offer him the job of choosing strippers from the Eastern Bloc combined with Saturday night bouncing, he’s really rather disappointed.


The Rottweilers start running amok in the foam and human detritus that is all around them.
Zayne starts choking on a peanut and dies.

Dayde, desperately saddened and panicked, and his dreams of being a bouncer/babe chooser, realises that actually, with Zayne kicking the bucket, he can now run Avastar.

Except that the half of the building has collapsed from foam pressure. And the Rottweilers are now gnawing on the Lexmark printer's corners.

But....the printer has a built-in Rottweiler-shocking mechanism, much like an electric fence - not lethal, but strong enough to send their testicles into a frenzy - and it starts to send small shocks through the crazed hounds.

The Rottweilers launch themselves into the foam to tame the tremors in their balls. (They come out alive, so don't panic.)
Out of the seething mass of pink foam and limp celery comes Obnoxious, dragging Clayzette by her shocking-pink toe nails - punctuated with light mint on the baby toe.

He by mistake steps on the duke box, and it happens to start playing 'Stayin' Alive'. Turns out, Obnoxious fell in love with Saturday Night Fever the week prior to when it aired on SABC 2, and he breaks into the sort of dance moves that would send John Travolta into a well of insecurity, depression and regret for not having discovered this prodigy to teach him such dynamic steps and arm movements.

He starts hatching a plan to create a hero out of Obnoxious; to put his name in lights and make him famous.


Dayde sits down with Obnoxious and they begin the transition process. Making him a famous singing, dancing champion. They decide to turn Obnoxious into Gary Barlow from Take That. Giving him elocution lessons in East End London cockney, and changing his address from "Shack 1, Shack Street, Shoshanguve, 2315" to "Gary Barlow, 1 Shank Street <---you did="did" i="i" see="see" there="there" what="what">, Leighton, Buzzard, LB23 7YH."
In order to ensure the transition from Obnoxious: truck driver from Shoshanguve township to Fake Gary Barlow: Take That lead man, Leighton Buzzard, would go ahead without anyone noticing, Dayde put Obnoxious on the first flight to Heathrow.
Clayzette accompanied him, as she needed to get new hair implants in her scalp, thanks to the fire at Avastar.

Wearing nothing but Strockles and a loincloth, Obnoxious boarded SA flight 554 full of hope and promise. He reclined his sear to a cool 35 degrees and woke in the middle of the night, just as they were flying over the great expanse that is the Sahara Desert.

Then the wing fell off.
Obnoxious, who had never flown before thought nothing of it, and ordered another beer. The plane then nose-dived, plummeting Obnoxious and his crew mates into Chad, a country that consists of 100% Saharan desert.

Obnoxious had to think quickly. He still needed to become the new fake Gary Barlow. And be the poster child for boy band pop culture.
He flung himself out of the plane, while listening to Air Supply's "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All,"

to ensure his mindset would take him far away from the resounding crash behind him.
For weeks on end, he trekked through the desert. When he got lost, he asked passing Arab nomads directions to England. "Oy," said Obnoxious, wanting to stick to character. "Where's Leighton Buzzard mate?"
The Arab men and their camels would ridicule our hero.

Until one day, Obnoxious decided to use his skills taken from his upbringing in Shoshanguve. He hijacked five camels and set off on a Bedouin expedition in search of Leighton Buzzard, UK. He drifted across the channel and Mediterranean ocean with ease.

All thanks to the highly-buoyant Strockles, keeping him afloat. Once in England, his loincloth was looking a little worse for wear, not to mention the Strockles which had were no longer Aquamarine in colour. Once on dry land, he stopped in at JD Sports to buy himself a shell suit and pair of Adidas trainers.

The JD Sports manager positively passed out on glimpsing the Strockles on the feet of this mighty African warrior, and he – Jerome Williams – and Obnoxious immediately secured a deal for a year’s supply of Strockles to JD’s franchises across England. (With a view to expanding into the Channel Islands within a year).

Turns out, Jerome hailed from Leighton Buzzard himself, and was heading there that afternoon for a court case involving his nephew, a Playstation control, a crate of Guinness and a war veteran. The news set Obnoxious’s feet alight with excitement, and caused an outburst of a Tap ‘n Tango dance combo in the store’s hockey section. ‘BLOODY ‘ELL MATE!’ exclaimed Jerome, ‘YOU’RE AN EFFIN’ NATURAL’.

On arrival into Leighton Buzzard in Jerome's car, awed by the beauty of the Chilterns and the astounding bicycle paths of Milton Keynes, Obnoxious decided on a name. It was grungy. It was rhymy.
It was inspired by the town of Leighton Buzzard with an African-twist. It was spur of the moment opportunism and would set the dance world alight: The Jackal Buzzard is an African bird of prey, named after it’s weeah ka-ka-ka call, like that of the Black-Backed Jackal. Eureka! ‘’Ello Mista & Missus Williams. I am the Black-backed Jackal. Hailed from Africa. King of dance!’

While Obnoxious did a dance on the streets, announcing his name to all that cared to listen, the fine people of Leighton Buzzard found it hard to share in his jubilation. The neighbourhood had become quite stabby and rapey in recent weeks, all started by the escalation of a scenario involving Irish beer, a war veteran, a PS3 control and someone's nephew.

The nephew - LaShawn Jamal Shamal - was the perpetrator of the crime, and had been issued an ASBO by the Home Office. And so the residents of Shank Street, Leighton Buzzard, were alarmed to see a man, in his skanties and a pair of trainers, dancing the streets singing "King of Dance!" in a high pitched shriek.

LaShawn Jamal Shamal heard a ruckus down the end of Shank Street and decided to see what it was all about. After all, this was his turf. He was having none of this "foreigner pretending to be the King of Dance" hitting up his streets. He owned this neighbourhood, alongside his gang, The Buzzard Massive.

He called on his co-gang leader, Shaqual, pulled on their grey hoodies and matching 'joggers' and climbed into LaShawn's converted black, drop suspension Vauxhall Vectra.
They drove out of the council estate, and hit Shank Street, where Obnoxious, still very much in love with Saturday Night Fever, had burst into song and was pretty much acting like he'd taken 25 hexstacy tablets.

"LaShawn, blud, 'Oo is dat WANKAH dancin' in our streets blud?"

"I dunno Shaqual, but ee is being a right weapon, i'nt ee."

Obnoxious heard the Vauxhall Vectra as it coasted down Shank Street, and realised he'd better stop dancing, and start explaining. He pulled out an AK47 and shot the wheels of the Vauxhall Vectra.

They all exploded. The annoyed gangstas got out of the car, but Obnoxious, nimble as a praying mantis and sharper than a fruit fly's proboscis, quickly climbed onto the roof of someone's house.

And then descended down the chimney to hide.

Unlucky for him, it was Christmas Eve. So when he plopped into the living room of the Yaxley family, one of the children proclaimed: "MUMMY! DADDY! IT'S FATHER CHRISTMAS! ...why does he look different he and why is he wearing Strockles?"

Obnoxious could smell the tension in the room, and decided to appease the children's disappointment by giving them a Strockle each.
To the father, he gave his loin cloth, and to the mother, a quick rogering in the bicycle shed, while the father inspected the chimney and the kids admired their spectacular new shoes.

Mrs Yaxley returned to the room with her skirt stuck in her knickers, but just as Mr Yaxley turned to greet her, there was an almighty thud and a clinking noice as LaShawn Jamal Shamal and his ten kilos of fake bling fell down the chimney, unharmed only due to the superior sponginess and trampoline-like effect of one Strockle atop another.

Then everyone died.  
                                                                    - - - - - -ENDS - - - -


Flarkus said...

You had me at "super-sonic lahazers and flame frowers". That was me, well-done and half-choking on my tasty lunch, spraying bits as I brayed aloud, much to my hard-at-work colleagues amusement.

In future (and I pray/bray that there will be more such incredible collabs), kindly include a "Choking Hazard" alert before the ensuing hilarity.

Ta, muchly

Anonymous said...

You guys rocked this story!

So amused that Avastar made it in, I'm dying to go there, seriously!


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