breathing

It's my last week at work.

I'm sitting at my desk literally huffing and puffing. Breathing is becoming more and more of an issue. It's less a voluntary reflex and more something I am conscious of not doing.

I am sitting here taking in giant gulps of air every now and then because I don't feel I am getting enough. Twins are flattening my airbags like pancakes.

The old lung capacity is at an old time low. Just cannot get enough air. Is this what asthma feels like? You take big giant gulps and then try and breathe without thinking about it, but it's just not enough?

With this being my final week at work and not being able to breathe like a normal person, I'm getting last minute panic attacks again.

Am I ready to be a parent? I'm not ready to be a parent, I can't be a parent, how will I do this, it's so soon, the birth, crisis what will become of me, am I capable of even having them, oh dear God we never thought this through, were we ever going to be ready, there's so much to consider, such a long road ahead of us, how will we feasibly do this, the bomb will drop and we will still have no idea what's going on, there are TWO. TWO. TWO. I'm not ready for this, I still have stuff I have to do like go to the Ukraine and have have one big night out.

I know the Brit feels like this, well he must do, but we are wary of setting each other off by having a panic attack in front of each other. At least, that's my strategy. I am terrified and feeling unprepared and not sure I am ready for this or I ever will be, but I am poker facing because I don't want to make it even worse for the Brit.

Then I think about the nursery and how I might even be able to sort it out in the next two weeks, if I could only breathe properly and not have to sit down every five minutes because my feet ache and my lungs burn.
And I think of them and their names and the nursery.

I dreamt about one of them over the weekend. She didn't look like our child at all, but she had our name. I don't know where the other twin was, but she was there and I loved her so much - I showed everyone pictures of her and I couldn't wait to get home to her after a day away.

I'm sure this is all very normal, the toing and froing of panic and excitement, but fuck it's a scary ride.