life in the uk test

Now that the clock is literally ticking, I am on a mad scramble to get a bunch of admin done.

It's a bit ridiculous really - I go on maternity next week to relax and put my swelling hooves up, and I have booked in a bunch of stuff that I simply have to do NOW.

The list goes as such:

1) Take advantage of 40% off deal for prenatal massage in local spa (possibly twice, thrice...)

2) Update driver's license (involves paperwork, fees, trip to Post Office...)

3) Write down all the important numbers I need to know in case I go into labour and pin on the fridge. Oh wait, we don't have a fridge. We don't even have a kitchen. At least not until next week.

Which will explain why there is a carton of milk sitting on the book shelf and why the juice is in the bathroom.

4) Take the Life In The UK test.

I should've done 4) months ago. Instead I've decided to embark on a bout of historical and cultural studying now, when I should really be reading Gina Ford's How To Create The Perfect Routine For Sleeping Babies or some such.

Next year I will apply for citizenship. The process to the passport is a long one, starting with a test you have to study for and pass. You can do the test at anytime, and I've chosen to do it on week 33 of my twin pregnancy; meaning I could have my waters break whilst filling in my answers in a room full of testing applicants.

Doing it now is just the sensible thing to do, while I have some peace and quiet to study before I have twins crawling around. You have to get 75% to pass, and it costs £50 to do it every time.

It proves you've at least made an effort to understand the local customs, laws, cultures and history of the UK over the last 4-5 years, and while many questions are a piece of piss ("What is the name of the UK British Flag? The Union Jim...or the Union Jack?"), there are whole sections that you need to study.

For example: "Which of of Henry the VIII's wives was executed for taking a string a lovers?" Or "When did William The Conqueror win the Battle of Hastings...and where is the famous tapestry commemorating this event hung?"

Most Brits - 99% of them - couldn't pass it.

It's like history back at school. So with a heavy sigh, heartburn burning and raging like a motherfucker, I set about propping my my study guide onto my enormous belly last night to begin reading.

To be fair, I thought it would be incredibly boring and throw me back to when I was 15 and sitting in a history lesson in a stuffy classroom forced to learn about the Voortrekkers for the fourth year in a row.

Actually, some of it is even slightly interesting. Like how the English language was formed (Norman French and Anglo-Saxon) to how Henry the VIII had six wives whom he divorced or had executed when he felt like it. And is the very reason he set up the Church of England, so he could in fact, divorce.
And how the Black Death wiped out a third of the population.

The very boring paragraph above is about the Vikings and how they came over from Denmark and Norway, raped and pillaged everything,  settling mainly on the east coast near Scunthorpe.

SCUNTHORPE.

My favourite shitty place in Britain.

Apparently "Scunthorpe" is a name that comes from the Viking language. Really?

Anyway. This is how I'll be filling any spare time for a couple of weeks.