Thanks everyone yesterday for your amazing comments and support.
Yesterday consisted of ungluing my eyes, and forcing myself to go to work. I must've cried the entire day, not even stopping to dry my eyes at the mechanic place where they were installing my new brake pads. (For interest, the entire installment and genuine VW brake pads cost me R600.)
Ex S took me out for lunch, bless him. He listened while I cried about Small Bum. He didn't try to take advantage. He was incredibly supportive of me, in circumstances where I needed consoling because of my latest ex-boyfriend. The irony. I got hammered.
I went home, and got trashed around the company of my best friends. Third World Ant made an amazing pasta, and I fell into bed.
The hardest thing for me to conceptualise right now is why. Why? He told me ours was the most intense relationship he has ever had, he likes me more than enough. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy doing the same things. I am the most intelligent girlfriend he's had. He even mentioned how he loves it that I sing fucking karaoke when I'm drunk. Yet...it is just not enough. He hasn't thought about us a day into the future. Me loving him is a big white elephant in the room he cannot get over.
Fuck it hurts.
I miss his humour most of all. And his face. Even his froggy hands. (He has no hair on his hands. I always found this a little strange, but now I miss his fucking hands. Go figure.) It seemed like we hooked up just yesterday, while I was still crying about Ex S. I miss the blueness and intensity of his eyes. Does he even think of me? Or does he feel relief at walking away and not looking back? The worst is if he feels pity or guilt for doing it. I would rather he felt nothing than feel that.
I am crying as I write this, and my editor is watching.
I will be out on the piss tonight.