Saturday, May 20, 2006

it hurts

Thanks everyone yesterday for your amazing comments and support.

Yesterday consisted of ungluing my eyes, and forcing myself to go to work. I must've cried the entire day, not even stopping to dry my eyes at the mechanic place where they were installing my new brake pads. (For interest, the entire installment and genuine VW brake pads cost me R600.)
Ex S took me out for lunch, bless him. He listened while I cried about Small Bum. He didn't try to take advantage. He was incredibly supportive of me, in circumstances where I needed consoling because of my latest ex-boyfriend. The irony. I got hammered.

I went home, and got trashed around the company of my best friends. Third World Ant made an amazing pasta, and I fell into bed.

The hardest thing for me to conceptualise right now is why. Why? He told me ours was the most intense relationship he has ever had, he likes me more than enough. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy doing the same things. I am the most intelligent girlfriend he's had. He even mentioned how he loves it that I sing fucking karaoke when I'm drunk. Yet...it is just not enough. He hasn't thought about us a day into the future. Me loving him is a big white elephant in the room he cannot get over.

Fuck it hurts.

I miss his humour most of all. And his face. Even his froggy hands. (He has no hair on his hands. I always found this a little strange, but now I miss his fucking hands. Go figure.) It seemed like we hooked up just yesterday, while I was still crying about Ex S. I miss the blueness and intensity of his eyes. Does he even think of me? Or does he feel relief at walking away and not looking back? The worst is if he feels pity or guilt for doing it. I would rather he felt nothing than feel that.

I am crying as I write this, and my editor is watching.

I will be out on the piss tonight.

52 comments:

Daytripper said...

aye Peas, through all of this, do look after yourself grrrl. No matter how intense or how real, such a short interaction is not worth breaking yourself over. It is HIS loss and despite your pain, you have lost nothing really as it sounds he was never really there!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper, thanks. For 5 months, or however long this was, I really thought I meant at least something. But obviously not. As I've said before, I'm about as random as his other girlfriends.
Perhaps in a month's time I will thank him for leaving me. I don't need someone who doesn't feel the same as I do. That I know.

Jam said...

More hugz Peas.

I'm glad to hear you're having a seriously good cry, it's great medicine and it's also good to know that all your friends are there for you.

I know this is hard. I've been there recently too. I know that you're going to miss him. But think about this. As great as Small Bum may have seemed, you don't need to be around someone who is unable to reciprocate your feelings. If someone doesn't want to be with you, hold your head up high and move on. He's simply not worth your time and energy any more.

Hope that you have an incredible weekend! Look after yourself as much as possible and remember that tequila makes the whole world rosy.

Jam said...

LOL! Only read your reply to Daytripper after I posted.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - thanks my honey. ;) Tequila better be scared of me tonight!

(Although it makes me horny, which may or may not be a good thing right now...
Needless to say, I'm steering well clear of cane!)

GoDsGiMp said...

Unfortunately or fortunately in your case, tequila never comes to the party alone... he always brings his mates.

And although I do agree with Jam, crying may be good, but don't do to much of it, besides smudging carefully applied make-up, it doesn't do to cry over something for to long. Give yourself a few good sobs, then get drunk and start laughing.. Im a huge fan of laughing!

Then after that the only time you need to cry is when youre drunk enough to hit on someone, then you can do the crying on their shoulder thing and say things like, "I dont normally do this!" and "your the nicest guy I have met!" and "Im sorry I think I got your shirt wet!"

Marc said...

Shyte, just go and get DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK. Pick up a random boy, and go have fun now...
Enjoy, and remember to SMILE :)

Revolving Credit said...

You're on the rollercoaster ride now whether you like it or not. Just remember that all rides, no matter how scary eventually come to an end.

You might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. All you seem to need is Tequila & the Bushwacker and you're shorted :)

Chin up Peas!

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - tequila will be punished tonight, if there is one thing I am certain of. And don't worry about the makeup, I have waterproof mascara. :)

The crying is getting less frequent, I mean, I managed for an entire two hours last night and actually laughed. (I have funny friends, luckily.)

I wish I could just fast forward a couple of weeks.

AnotherWhiteBoy said...

Nobody likes being alone… and as much as certain people profess that single Dom is their preferred choice I believe that most of the time they are speaking shite! But one needs to be careful in ascertaining what exactly they miss about the relationship. We so often get stuck in routine with a person and only when we look back after a few months/years do we really realise that bar the routine.... we were miserable! I’m not necessarily saying this is your case – just giving some food for thought. Enjoy the tequila.

Peas on Toast said...

Marc - you believe it china! :) Athough picking up new men isn't something I can bring myself to even entertain right now.

revolving credit - Bushwhacker, meet Tequila. Tequila, meet Bushwhacker. You're going to be seeing alot of each other. :)

I hate rollercoasters. Even though I am on one all the time.

Peas on Toast said...

Anotherwhiteboy - thanks man. I suppose, because this is a blog, I will compose a list of his faults soon enough. When I hit the angry stage, like next week.
Therapy, the way I see it.

Revolving Credit said...

Should you operate heavy machinery while under the influence of alcohol?

(refer previous post)

GoDsGiMp said...

So Peas finally broke up with SB, she realized they were incompatible. She's a virgo and he's an arsehole.

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - I've done it before! ;)

However. Although I love my dildo to pieces, it doesn't compensate for the real thing.

I hate feeling so lonely, and although my dildo may help me out a little, it just isn't the same. Admittedly.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - You're great. :) Love you guy.

fly said...

I think he is scared tbh... :-?

You know I was very familiar with heartbreak awhile back and there was a time in my life that I couldnt face the world, this lasted for months actually truth be told years...it was only after me sitting down with myself and realising what I have and what I have to give that the sun started to shine again...

Peas, you are a fantastic girl...just from what you have posted and how you have replied makes me and many others realise this...you have a lot to give and there is definately someone out there willing to give back...

So you've lost SB, that just means there are more important things for you to accomplish ;o)

Becareful with the tequila tho...no matter how much you drink, you'll still need to wake up in the morning...and theres nothing worse than heartbreak and a hangover... :o)

get a kitten...

Peas on Toast said...

fly - thanks cupcake, you are a sweetheart! I fear this time round, I'm going to turn into a recluse. One of those strange spinsters that collect a lot of cats and never go out. Because my last break up consisted of never staying at home, always going out, always doing something.

But as you say, I have other things to accomplish. One is to make plans for overseas next year. I'm seriously considering trying to find a job in Paris (I speak French) and shacking it up there for a while.
Third World Ant is also considering doing the overseas thing for a bit, which means if we go together, wherever that may be, we will leave a wave of mayhem in our wake... :)

GoDsGiMp said...

Thanks Pea's your great too, SB probably couldn't live up to your overwhelming greatness and had to run to some lesser woman to make himself feel big again.

Peas on Toast said...

That's what I'd like to think too. :)

Maybe I was funnier than him. (Doubtful, but worth fantasising about.)

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe you should give the Bush Whacker as name? Painting a face on it, while an interesting option, may not be practical based on its intended use.

Tom Hanks had Wilson the volleyball, maybe Peas has Waldo the Whacker.

Personally I think SB was intimidated by Waldo. That coupled with the fact that we was afraid you'd break his willy again. Loser!

Like the kitten idea...good to cuddle.

fly said...

Oh Godgimp thats good !!! ...I must remember that one for the future :o)

GoDsGiMp said...

Hey thats a new take on things. SB left because a.) you broke his penis and b.) he couldn't keep up sexually, and it was making him feel very unmanly c.) You are funnier than him, and he was running out of jokes, he has a max limit of 5months worth of jokes which he uses on every woman he dates, and he was afraid when he ran out you would find him unfunny.

You should have suspected that time he slipped up and told the horse in the bar joke for the third time in your relationship...

Peas on Toast said...

Come to think of it, some of his jokes were getting a little tired...

But then there was last week at Rosebank fleamarket where he had me in stiches. I had to sit down because I could hardly walk I was laughing so hard.

Fuck.

And I probably shagged him out too. If there's ever a next time I choose to engage in sex, it will be AFTER the guy has decided he cares for me enough.

(It may be years until I'm laid again. Years. Oh shit here come the tears again....)

GoDsGiMp said...

Oops my bad..

Quick somebody say something funny!

GoDsGiMp said...

Well if you crying about having years with no sex... then its not so bad.

Did I mention I have an older brother

:)

Revolving Credit said...

Hey, maybe see should try another woman.
Diversify your portfolio so to speak.

Beats the shit out of being a stay home spinster with a herd of cats.

Peas on Toast said...

I cannot imagine having sex anytime soon, I don't even want to. I say this now.

But next month I may feel very differently, after a couple of shooters at a cattle barn somewhere in Rivonia, for instance.

Oh God. I'm dreading it.

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - one of my mates suggested that last night.
Unfortunately, I'm just not that way inclined. And I fear I'll get more admin dating a girl. :)

("Where my flowers, bitch? It's been forever since you took me for dinner."
Me: It's been forever since you took ME for dinner, you lady bastard...you.)

Revolving Credit said...

Does telling someone to F*** OFF qualify as oral sex?
If so then when you move from the sad stage to the angry stage you'll be having lots of that :)

Kel said...

Youre obviously giving him more credit then he was worth...if he said all ths stuff then he was talking kak at the time or he would be with you.Guys say anything to get into pants.
Cry,get pissed,think of him fondly ..and wait! when you see him in the not to distant future you'll be thanking your lucky stars you didnt end up with those frog hands.
& if you do end up getting back with him dont forget this ...he was mean and he hurt you and you are so much better than him,you may not know it now but you will.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kel.

I'm also starting to think that he lied about everything this whole time. The oke gave a royal fuck about me in fact. Because if he did he would've stayed!

I am starting to hate him.

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, NEVER ask the "why" question that you mention. Why if everything was going so well did he decide he'd rather not have it.
Just let that be & accept it is one of the greater universal questions. He won't even know the answer. Leave the question for Chicklit to try to answer.

That's the only piece of advice I can give you from my 1 experience in this field. Being the commitmentphobe I am, I am always the chick rebounding with tequila at the bar.

So I'll see you at the bar with a tequila.

And, don't think he is not hurting & missing you too right now.

Jam said...

Guys always seem to take much longer to wake up in these situations - they do the deed (i.e. breaking up with you) and then much later, the awful truth of what they have done to themselves and to you starts to sink in. And later, you'll have moved on to someone who is much more deserving.

Jam said...

Peas - you once said something to the effect of : "The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone new"...think about it....

Peas on Toast said...

campagne heathen - cheers to that. see you at the bar.

Jam - Ironically, when I said that, I went out and found myself Small Bum. Now I need a rebound for my rebound.

Jam said...

Or a couple of good, healthy flings - no strings attached. :-)

Simone said...

Which dodgy pub in Craighall Park were you drinkiing at?

Peas on Toast said...

Simone - not the Colony. At Giles. It's not dodgy, but I was surrounded by dodgy company. ;)

zuzula said...

you make sure you thoroughly pamper yourself this weekend hon. i'll be thinking of you x

Peas on Toast said...

zuzula - thanks sweetheart. I'm sure whether poisoning myself is pampering, but in my world it just might be! x

Pity I can't smoke. Bummer.

Stephanie said...

Take care of yourself and remember that you didn't do anything wrong by loving him. He was lucky to have you and has lost someone really special.

Suavé said...

Man, thats a bitch! Sure is never nice to break up with anyone, nonetheless being the break-upee. Well if anything you know you got a great support system and I agree with a lot of people when they say you're a great catch. There'll be someone else. It gets beter with time, as I assume you should know. But I cant wait to see you in the angry state after the sad state. Should be entertaining. But chin up my sweet, Get your ass out there and get twisted like a motherfucka! Do it it like only you can.

Seriously though, I'm sorry to hear that. SB is an idiot. Or maybe he's gay. Whichever way you look at it, always look on the brighter side. I'll toast my shots on Tequila to you tonight!

Muah!

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Steph, thanks babe. But if there's anything I'ce learnt here: I'll never ever confess loving anyone to their faces again! I won't be the first to do it.
Hopefully I won't ever get into a situation like this again.
Next time I'll listen to warning bells.

Suavebona - thanks guy. Funnily enough, someone told me yesterday that some circles thought he might've been gay at varsity. I wish. Then at least it wasn't me that chased him away. :(
Unfortunately he isn't gay.

Anonymous said...

This is the Circle of Life - while it is hard, it's hard for everyone - stop making Small Bum out to be the bad guy, and Peas to be the victim.

How about some level-headeness that compliments SB on his honesty, and realises that he has his own pain to go through as well - from everything that I've read on this website, SB was also participating intensely in this relationship - he wasn't holding out & the conclusion that he's a bastard because he's decided that after five months [such a trivial amount of time!] it's not for him, is both biased & naive...

I understand what you're going through - but own it, & stop trying to shift the blame...

Jam said...

I've lost count of the number of people who have asked me if my ex was gay. Because so many people have asked me, I am begining to wonder myself...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I'm certainly not shifting the blame here. I've always said that I cannot hate him for at least being sincere and honest. He was never bad to me.
But, this is my blog. So I can write whatever I feel fit, and if it means it's helping me to get over this person, then I will write. There's more to come as well. I haven't hit the angry phase yet.

Jam - crumbs, that's hectic babe. If that is the case, at least then you know it was never you. ;)

Stephanie said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll meet someone else who is ready to love the wonderful person you are. SB just wasn't ready yet.

Peas on Toast said...

Steph, who knows. Right now I'm thinking it's actually easier to be single.

I guess time will tell!

Daedalus said...

Peas – Like jam said - you have to cry this one out hun - it helps – one-by-one they will make you stronger.

I also agree with daytripper... this was a *short* one and you do feel rejected, yes, - small bum's loss... and, not too much harm done. Unfortunatly relationships also become longer the older you get - we all need these 6-month ones to prepare us for those measured in years.

Daedalus said...

Errr... Jam lol

"couple of good, healthy flings"??

Bwhahaha! - I also somtimes wish for a world of peace, harmony, and nakedness haha...

Fly - you grew a blogger progile! ;)

Daedalus said...

Phuck sorry Fly ...

progile = profile ak...!