everyone's related

It’s hard for me at the moment.
Besides just trying to forge ahead and get on with my life, there’s an extremely difficult obstacle I’m trying to overcome.

I love doing the Joburg braais, the let’s go-out-to-our-usual-haunts, the digs parties. You know, social life in my town.
Right.
And it’s something I have to do. Blending into obscurity is not my bag.
Having three ex’s in this town, whose friends are also my friends makes this hard.
And this place very small.

It’s fine to see one or two of them, share a little small talk, put a smile on my noggin and be all jolly hockey sticks every once in a while.
But have three ex’s around, and have mutual friends, and just about every time I attend a braai or whatever, guaranteed at least one of them will be there. Possibly with their girlfriends.
And so deliriously happy it seems.
It’s fine every couple of months, but try every weekend.
And because people publically know about my string of failures, I walk in and immediately feel judged. Or ‘shame, poor chick. I dumped her, and check it out, another relationship failure.”
Or, “ha ha ha, stupid bitch, check it out, what a loser.”
Sometimes I panic, and in a proper pickle, leave the party early.
God knows what else they say about me. Or maybe they pity me, which is even worse.

It’s hard. But I suppose I wouldn’t go to these things if my closest mates weren’t there too. And I know they love me regardless of my fuck ups, which is why I go back.

Last night was fantastic. I went to a 'safe' braai and caught up with K2, whom I haven't seen in ages. It's a relief for me to walk into a place and see completely unfamiliar faces.

“There must be something wrong with her.” This is what I’m thinking goes through most of the people of Johannesburg’s heads that I see on a regular basis.

It's all getting a bit much. I don’t want to go anywhere, for fear of being judged and not being able to relax, because I actually just want people to see me as Peas, someone they like regardless of her ex(s). But Peas comes with stories, see.

God, what I’d do to cash in my Satrix retirement fund, and fuck off to a town a thousand miles away where nobody knows me, can’t analyse my baggage, can’t judge me, and have no idea where I come from. Even for like, one weekend.

Conversation:

“He’s taking me to The Singing Fig, isn’t that amazing? But it’s so nice to meet you properly, is the food there nice?”
Peas: Oh devine! Lovely place, great food, you two have fun!


Conversation I wish I had:
“He’s taking me to The Singing Fig, isn’t that amazing? But it’s so nice to meet you properly, is the food there nice?”
Peas: Food is fantastic. When he took me there, we had the oysters. Highly recommend it, if you knowwhadImean… [nudge nudge wink wink]