fruit of the loom

I have snake dreams. I have snake dreams that are so fucking real, I've found myself waking on more than one occasion, and in a half-comatose delirium, have stripped my sheets off – really believing there are snakes in my bed.

I'm crazy. You don't need to tell me, I know.

Maybe there are some Freudian theories about trousersnakes, but then again, Freud shnarfed the length of a diningroom table's worth of coke every day and also merged thoughts about his mother and sex.

I've had dreams where long, slithery snakes are writhing, wrapped around my neck, awaking screaming – terrified - convinced they were still there – but was too afraid to claw at my neck. Last night I had a typical one, one I've had before: millions of snakes in my bed, and millions of snakes in my room.

Except, last night there was a taipan on my pillow, or so my dream conducted. The taipan, native to Australia, is the most poisonous snake on Earth.
This creature's beady little eye was staring right into my face – in my dream – on my pillow.
I woke up SCREAMING. Jumped from my bed...and stripped my bed again.
Just how many pretzels short of a snack basket am I?

Maybe not as much as I thought. I have a friend who is frightened of fruit. Terrified. Gets uncomfortable when I say 'I can't believe Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin called their kid Apple.'

Here it is:
What happens to you when you see a piece of fruit?
I want to vomit. Fruit is just so disgusting. I want to park a tiger on the floor. Sometimes I just want to cry when I see, say an apple or something. I've mock charged at dinner parties before.

Shut up. Seriously? Any fruit?
I can walk through a vineyard. Grapes aren't as hectic as guavas. Oh God, I actually want to puke right now.

When did this start?
My mum tells me I ate fruit as a kid, but I've blocked it out. I think it kicked in when I was five. She once made me sit at the table for three days to eat an apple.

That's quite cruel. In light of the vomit-thing.
Yes. She's offered to pay for therapy.

What's the issue with fruit, if you get down to the nitty gritty?
The smell. I look at a piece of fruit and know the smell is coming. But even if I look at fruit from a distance I can smell it.

What do you do at dinner parties when there's salad for pud?
I ask them to pass the bowl around the other side of the table. Once I tried to pull my chair out as the bowl moved swiftly to the front of my face, and it got stuck on the carpet. I had to run to the bathroom.

Does the phobia extend to vegetables?
No. I can eat veggies.

Did you know tomatoes are actually a fruit?
No.
Thanks for ruining tomatoes for me.

Sorry. Can I take it back? Tomatoes are really veggies?
Nope. Too late.

This conversation makes me want to cry.

What other fruity things can't you handle?
Fruit juice makes me want to hurl, strawberry gum makes me want to hurl, fruit-flavoured anything makes me want to hurl. But wine...wine is good.

What do you do in supermarkets?
I avoid the fruit aisle. Haven't been past one in years.

Worst fruit, ever, like if you had a choice?
Guavas. Oh God, OK, I gotta go.