Joburg is small right. But right now it's so small it's actually a cosmic joke. And as a result, this place is starting to freak us out. To the point where for
Blue – just a snog; Yellow – one night shag; Green – multiple napovers; Red – more than 3 weeks; Black – no action napover; Blue – engaged; Lime – dating, Orange – crush factor only. Let's put it this way - it was a very colourful diagramme once we were done, as you can see.
And we only know the half of it.
We've advised Martha Stewart to try and avoid being sucked into the slippery slope that is this circle(s). But it may be impossible to avoid randomly kissing an ex's cousin's once removed fiancée, who slept with my boyfriend's ex's cousin's ex, for example. It's impossible to snog just a random nowadays. Let's be honest. This is
We've been wanting to do this for ages, so it was a real little knee slapper. Dodgier than the Bowling Club's Seafood Surprise.
Speaking of which - who, evah, orders seafood from dodgy inland restaurants? I was told of a dude who ordered the Seafood Surprise at the Zoo Lake Bowling Club. Not the calamari, not the crumbed hake, the seafood surprise. No kidding.
Who does that? Somebody did that. That is another kind of funny, I laughed hey. Ten out of ten for balls. Seafood...Surprise! You Will Have E Coli Before The End Of The Evening! What's in a Seafood Surprise anyway – did he even ask? (“Bits of plankton, an old takkie, three year old calamari and a green prawn?”) He did spend the rest of the week over a bucket, or so I'm told.
Then there was the dude who ordered prawns in Polokwane. I mean, come on. He was on a business trip with all his other number crunching colleagues, and ended up painting the bus a colourful shade of Polokwane Prawn on the way home. I mean, was this a challenge? Did someone bait these guys? (“Bet you won't order the seafood.” “Bet you I will...”)
C and I rolled around on the floor giggling so much, we had tears running down our cheeks.
68 comments:
Haha, my friends and i have played that game before, instead of the usual 6 degrees of separation it was more like 0.9999998. The world is an ever shrinking place, and the "talent" pool is evaporating along with it!
Relocation is imminent to combat the incestuous trends! Sadly, not only joburg suffers from this plight!
Vimbai -oh thank God. We're not the only psychos to have done this. Relocation - I'm thinking Guam, or the Easter Islands? Or even Mexico City - it would swallow me whole...
Mmmm.....In-breeders!!
Cue the background banjo music
Rev - cue gator-wrestlers, on a backdrop of steaming bayous...and everyone's eating seafood surprise...
You people do realise that inbreeding leads to genetic mutation?
Peas, based on the French royal lineage thingy, you're especially at risk as those brothers, sisters & cousins have been shagging each other silly for ages.
Just a question, do any of your friends or family members have an extra toe or finger or penis growing on their forehead??
Sure signs of mutation!!
No. And no. Luckily the shagging goes too far back.
I didn't get to meet the cousin with the appendage growing from his forehead in Seychelles either. Rumour has it he lives on a deserted island and plays with himself all day.
(Not :)
Cape Town is just as bad, if not worse! I remember in high school my friends and I drew, what we so nicely called, a "Spit Chart" to track how many of us were linked up. It was gross. I do now dread to know what a "sex chart" would look like :(
Miss M - yeah Cape Town's a town in comparison - I'd hate to know what an Incest Wheel would look like that end!
We colour coded everything. It was too much fun :)
Now just to get our mates to fill in the links. Because we're only half done. That's the scary bit.
I think I've heard about this cousin of yours. Isn't he called Knobbinson Crusoe??
Apparently he's been on the island so long that he's becone quite anit-social. If he meets you, he may try and headbutt you!
Miss M, did you guys ever do a 'Swallow Chart'??
Peas, sounds like you guys may need a Facebook plug-in that all your friends can use to join the dots. Brings new meaning to the 'poke' phenomenon!!
X has 'poked' Y
Y wants to 'poke' Z
A,B,C,D won't 'poke' P
P is trying to 'poke' J
J is using 'poke pro',
J is a slut!
Rev - don't joke. The day before C and I emigrate to Guam, we're going to start a Facebook Group, using this picture with their real names revealed. "Link Your Name If You're On This Incest Chart!"
We'll be in so much kak, so the day before we leave Joburg would be it's official launch.
;)
Question: So how did both you and C do on this chart???
Rev - see all those pretty colours cascading down from the top?
We did ok. :)
But then it was us, so we can only really vouch for ourselves and those we've been with. Which is why I need more of my mates to contribute! :)
Based on all those pretty coloured lines descending from the top of the pic, I would venture to say that you you and C appear to to pretty...umm...experienced.
I think you need pink lines for boy-on-boy and girl-on-girl interactions. Lets see how many of your ex boyfriends admit to have crushes on or napovers with each other??
Rev - did you just call me a cum guzzling gutter slut?
Like whatever man. I'm pure.
Hmmm. I wonder how (if?) I would have featured on this chart.
Champers - I wonder. I don't know you well enough to know anyone you've snogged though...(at least I think?)
Great, my dark horse rep is still safe in certain Jo'burg circles then! See. It is possible. Although, it does require you having an attraction for foreigners and/or men in another generation. Which all have incestuous (sp?) groups of their own. Maybe the hint is to just keep immigrating...
Yeah, I suppose you've managed - from what I know of your blog - to invest in the Mediterranean flavours :)
I tried. I really did. But I'm happy with mine as he is right now :)
No, you are mistaken, it was C who called you a cum guzzling gutter slut! Not me!
But I you have pics to prove this, please post them for all of us to see :p
However based on all the pretty lines I am infering that you are possibly an in-breeder!
Cue the background banjo music again
Rev - let's talk about YOU for a sec...you live in Cape Town. There's bound to be a few crossed wires your end of the country, eh Rev?
Spill it.
Luckly for us Capetonians, and probably very much to Champs' chagrin, Cape Town is truely the tourism gateway to Africa, so there is a constant supply of fresh meat landing on our shores.
Some visit briefly, others stay longer, but the consequence is that when I assess my circle or friends/ acquaintances, I do not find many individuals vying for the title of communal blowup doll!
Not to mention all of you lovely students who come and spend your obligatory 3 years studying here.
At which point do your lines extend to Cape Town??
Peas?
Champs?
Classic.
Well Rev, many lines do point to Cape Town obviously. I spent my student years there myself.
So I blame Cape Town for many of these crossed-wired misshaps :)
Rev, you're 35 years old. The last time you talked to a student, the rest of us were getting excited about going into Standard 3.
hahaha that's hilarious! :)
Rev stop corrupting the students you dirty bastard. :)
Reckless Youth, I actually talked to some students yesterday, today, the weekend; now that I think about it , talking to students is a regular occurrence in my life.
As for the rest of the comment, how do I know that you're not still excited about going to std 3.
I really hope you make it this time around.
When you're in std 3, you don't hang with std 4's or std 2's cause it's not socially acceptable.
However, as you grow older your circle of friendship will widen.
I guarantee that you too will discover this, when you finally get to high school.
PS. You're not that young either - educationally, std 3 has been referred to as Grade 5 for quite sometime now.
Peas, while you were living in Cape Town, did you ever go drink at ...ummm...Guzzlers??
Hahahahahaah!
No, never heard of the place Rev. Sorry china.
Martha Stewart is FINE!
Anon - yes, she's perfectly fine :)
(PS: If I know you, she's been barricaded off, sorry!)
I'm assuming that Martha is a fresh entry on the incest chart.
It should be interesting spotting her progress on this chart over the next while as things develop.
Exactly. We also figure that she if she asks over anyone, I can always refer her back to the chart. As in "dude, don't go there - look at all the lines coming from his name" or "he's nice, and he's only kissed this person according to this chart."
It'll help her brave the rough seas of this circle, methinks.
I am going in.
Looks like anom is trying to get on the chart!
Anon - ok you little bastard. But answer me this(I'm her bouncer):
Are you on the chart?
And how many lines come out of your name, china?
This is hysterical - Anon wants on the chart! Anon wants on the chart!
(I have money on the fact he's there's already!)
Since you drew up the chart, that's not really a fair bet is it!
So what colour lines do Anon have?? Blue? Yellow? Pink?
The lines sound a bit Black, if you ask me!
I didn't say I was young, Rev. I just said you weren't. Thanks for the social tips.
Sorry about the Standard 3/Grade 5 thing, I don't pay that much attention to primary schools any more. Clearly you do. What colour is your trenchcoat, and what time do you get to the playground?
If I knew who Anon was, then I could tell you colour-wise. But if already knows who Martha Stewart is, then there's a good chance he's on this thing already.
reckless - hahahaha :) Fuck you guys are making this day far too entertaining!
I doubt it. But I could be darker than Champagne Heathen.
So I might be starting off with one of your Orange Lines.
But I guess it depends on who else is on the chart. I might have the odd yellow one. Who knows.
Anon - yes, you may be well surprised :)
The trick is to get a job as a teacher, then you don't need a trench coat and you can hang around the playground whole day without arousing suspicion.
More sematics: Students refer to anyone enrolled in some form of tertiary education. All schooll pupils are now referred to as Learners.
When in Bowling Club, eat everything with lots of that awesome chili they have. That'll stop them germs ;)
Oh, you're a TEACHER. My bad. So it's one of those "Come sit on my lap for extra Credit (see? it's a pun! The learners get a little extra Credit when they sit on your lap. I'm guessing very little).
Peas, is Chews on the chart?
If not, can we get him on? He's been blogging about the need to get some action - thought maybe you could help him 'connect the dots'??
Reckless, puns and innuendo are no longer funny if you explain them.
Yes, I have always thought that hands on, practical education to be the best approach.
Could we also get a key at the bottom of the comments to which colour means what... It is getting exhausting having to understand people by having to return to the original post.
Rev...you're a dodgy old man who enjoys crediting yungins?? Why did you never tell me this before. You become more like my ideal man by the day! Did I ever mention how young I am?!
And Peas, I think you just put 3/4s of Northern Jo'burg boys on a mission - to ensure Martha gets onto into your incest network in days.
Champs, put on your little school girl uniform and we'll talk.
Shotgun: Martha.
Chmaps- no boet. As I've explained, I'm trying to help her avoid these charty people.
Chews - yeah, douse it in chilli, ignite your innards, that should do the trick! :) (PS: Glad someone made mention of the Bowling Club angle today!)
Rev and reckless youth - I'm sensing some serious sexual tension here. You guys need to get a room. Juuuuust kidding. Carry on here!
Anon - not if I can help it.
:)
Hey? Peas, where is the capitalist in you? You could seriously profit off this...
Anon, I know her too... how much you offerng? I'll start the bidding at one school girl outfit & ensuring Reckless Youth doesn't get to Rev before I get the outfit!
Champs, so help here please:
Peas, ut would be interesting to use , say a brown line, to connect people who have had unprotected sex, then check whether any of the yellow, green, red, blue or lime lines should actually be brown.
I'm sure that Anon and crew(3/4 Jozi North) will find their penises shrivelling up and going into hiding if they looked at this new chart and realised what a minefield it was!!
Try connecting any 2 dots without crossing a brown line!!
Nice thing about school kids are that you wouldn't have to worry about them being on any chart, so Reckless wouldn't have to worry about crossing any brown lines!
Rev - the problem with that is that I'd have to ask an awful lot of people. "Say dude, can you give me a list of all the ladies you've slept with unprotected? What for? Oh nothing really...just interested." Would entail too much work and weirdness really.
Champs - please don't auction my flatmate off in a school dress. I'm not certain she'd be happy with that.
Ha ha, Rev, this is very true, and an idea I & others have always wanted to build into a game of sorts. Some way to directly illustrate to the twenty-something SA community just how much risk you are in by going home with that friend of a friend from Manhattans/ Melville/ Sudada/ Fuel Cafe etc.
And "ha ha" not in a funny way, I guess.
I wasn't going for HER in the school dress... but if it will fetch a higher price...!
If Martha looks like she's in std 3 in the school dress, I'll bid!
At least I'm not on your chart, I think!!
This is what's so funny about this chart. No one's going to be entirely certain if they're on it or not.
(Besides my best girl mates and I...no boys are allowed to see it. We took a pledge :)
The girls will keep it secret until one of them realises that the chart shows that a current or ex flame shagged someone else they don't like or may who present a possible threat - then they'll probably go off the rails a bit and expose it all.
Rev - Yeah it's bound to happen sometime...let's face it :)
Lets facebook it :P
How many people have you added to your chart thus far?
Jannie, show me on the doll where Mr Credit touched you.
Reckless, you still playing with dolls there??
I take it that you DID clean up and wash off that blow-up doll of yours before you let Jannie it!
"Jannie show me on the doll where Mr Credit touched you?"
My God that is classic. You guys have made today far more hilarious than I ever bargained for.
They're not dolls, Rev. They're action figures.
Looks like the "3 Rs" at your school aren't reading, writing and 'rithmetic, but Rev, Rohypnol, and Really Sore Learner Bums.
Post a Comment