Tuesday, August 02, 2011

...........don't judge me, but....

"Oooh yay, you have screen wipes! Can I borrow one pl....oh. wait. Nevermind."

OK. So.

The affliction? The thing? That made me go home yesterday because I couldn't sit? If you haven't guessed already - and it's taken some balls to write this - is because I have a pile.

A hemorrhoid. An ass vein.

Can I just say how fucking painful it is? Dude. I'm walking like John Wayne after getting @ss f$%cked.

And yes, it has come from nowhere. It's not like I've taken a gargantuan crap, or had a baby, or even lifted anything out of the ordinary.

I don't even pooh, so what the fuck is going on with my asshole?

I literally woke up, and 'Surprise!' I had a freaking pile on my doetpipe.

Now, until I read that 1 in 2 people experience piles at least once in their lifetime, I don't feel so embarrassed.

But lemme tell you something if you're one of the lucky people that hasn't had one:
It feels like you have a detonator that's about to explode and bust open your butt cheeks.

It's not a pleasant feeling. Knowing that at any moment your ass could explode, and in a forage of vascular nastiness, you die on the shitter just like Elvis.

Hemorrhoids and death are not synonymous with one another. Trust me, I looked. I'm a neurotic, and frankly yesterday I thought I would die by pile.

I was informed that I wouldn't, even by the bird at the chemist who insisted that Preparation H cream was the best way to rid of the bastard.

Standing there like a motherfucker, I asked if perhaps suppositories were the way to go - anything to get rid of the pain. Surgery perhaps?

No. Apparently surgery in the anoos fucks you up forever.

So day 2, and still wondering why I am afflicted with such a disgusting thing, and it seems like it's going down. Ah. It's days like these that need to be diarised, don't you think?

My first grey hair - check. My first wrinkle - check. My first pile - check. (Say again, what the fuck?)

Hysterical and freaked out, I called my mother back home, since she's the only person who has ever complained of getting hemorrhoids that I know of, while giving birth to yours truly - I had a big head - and she said "Fluids. Drink fluids. And clam the fuck down."

Look, I don't do veins. Veins freak me out. I am completely freaked out. When people have varicose veins, I freak out. I can't look at veins or touch them and stuff.

Veins are freaky things and I want nothing to do with them. So imagine my delight when I realised there was one sticking out of my ass.

I'm going to vomit. That's right. Just like you.

PS: Sitting, walking, moving? The most painful thing ever.


Hammer and Tongs said...

OH MY GAWD, I'm truly sorry to laugh at your blatantly obvious misfortune - but that is probably the funniest thing I read in a long time.
Now my day doesn't seem nearly so bad

The Chantal said...

LOL yesterday when I read your post I actually thought piles? but then thought No can't be coz you said you're scared and its so sore you cant sleep, lol either you're very sensitive or have the worst pile known to man-kind.

Relax, usually they go away on their own, use suppositories, and only if it starts bleeding alot do you have to consider surgery. My friends suffering at the moment too, she was walking like a duck last week hah hah, hers was bleeding n very sore but she said its much better now, she's been using Preparation H, but my mom gets piles every few yrs n she says suppositories are the best.

I had two ops on my asshole last year, surgeon said it would be worse than a hemeroidectomy and I was like ahhh it'll be okay I have a high pain threshold, and let me tell you, worst pain EVER, what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkk, lol, I actually started crying after my first bowel movement (and I was taking painkillers every few hours but they did nothing after I went to the toilet) I've had different operations and this is definitely the worst. But I must say the 2nd op went awesome and I hardly had any pain. And my dad had a big pile removed by the same surgeon last year and he was in some pain but he went back to work the next day.

Anyways, like your mom said, drink lots of water and also eat lots of fibre. (and I'm assuming you arent wearing g-strings right now coz that wouldn't be very good lol)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks chaps xx