Tuesday, August 02, 2011
...........don't judge me, but....
"Oooh yay, you have screen wipes! Can I borrow one pl....oh. wait. Nevermind."
The affliction? The thing? That made me go home yesterday because I couldn't sit? If you haven't guessed already - and it's taken some balls to write this - is because I have a pile.
A hemorrhoid. An ass vein.
Can I just say how fucking painful it is? Dude. I'm walking like John Wayne after getting @ss f$%cked.
And yes, it has come from nowhere. It's not like I've taken a gargantuan crap, or had a baby, or even lifted anything out of the ordinary.
I don't even pooh, so what the fuck is going on with my asshole?
I literally woke up, and 'Surprise!' I had a freaking pile on my doetpipe.
Now, until I read that 1 in 2 people experience piles at least once in their lifetime, I don't feel so embarrassed.
But lemme tell you something if you're one of the lucky people that hasn't had one:
It feels like you have a detonator that's about to explode and bust open your butt cheeks.
It's not a pleasant feeling. Knowing that at any moment your ass could explode, and in a forage of vascular nastiness, you die on the shitter just like Elvis.
Hemorrhoids and death are not synonymous with one another. Trust me, I looked. I'm a neurotic, and frankly yesterday I thought I would die by pile.
I was informed that I wouldn't, even by the bird at the chemist who insisted that Preparation H cream was the best way to rid of the bastard.
Standing there like a motherfucker, I asked if perhaps suppositories were the way to go - anything to get rid of the pain. Surgery perhaps?
No. Apparently surgery in the anoos fucks you up forever.
So day 2, and still wondering why I am afflicted with such a disgusting thing, and it seems like it's going down. Ah. It's days like these that need to be diarised, don't you think?
My first grey hair - check. My first wrinkle - check. My first pile - check. (Say again, what the fuck?)
Hysterical and freaked out, I called my mother back home, since she's the only person who has ever complained of getting hemorrhoids that I know of, while giving birth to yours truly - I had a big head - and she said "Fluids. Drink fluids. And clam the fuck down."
Look, I don't do veins. Veins freak me out. I am completely freaked out. When people have varicose veins, I freak out. I can't look at veins or touch them and stuff.
Veins are freaky things and I want nothing to do with them. So imagine my delight when I realised there was one sticking out of my ass.
I'm going to vomit. That's right. Just like you.
PS: Sitting, walking, moving? The most painful thing ever.