...........don't judge me, but....

"Oooh yay, you have screen wipes! Can I borrow one pl....oh. wait. Nevermind."

OK. So.

The affliction? The thing? That made me go home yesterday because I couldn't sit? If you haven't guessed already - and it's taken some balls to write this - is because I have a pile.

A hemorrhoid. An ass vein.

Can I just say how fucking painful it is? Dude. I'm walking like John Wayne after getting @ss f$%cked.

And yes, it has come from nowhere. It's not like I've taken a gargantuan crap, or had a baby, or even lifted anything out of the ordinary.

I don't even pooh, so what the fuck is going on with my asshole?

I literally woke up, and 'Surprise!' I had a freaking pile on my doetpipe.

Now, until I read that 1 in 2 people experience piles at least once in their lifetime, I don't feel so embarrassed.

But lemme tell you something if you're one of the lucky people that hasn't had one:
It feels like you have a detonator that's about to explode and bust open your butt cheeks.

It's not a pleasant feeling. Knowing that at any moment your ass could explode, and in a forage of vascular nastiness, you die on the shitter just like Elvis.

Hemorrhoids and death are not synonymous with one another. Trust me, I looked. I'm a neurotic, and frankly yesterday I thought I would die by pile.

I was informed that I wouldn't, even by the bird at the chemist who insisted that Preparation H cream was the best way to rid of the bastard.

Standing there like a motherfucker, I asked if perhaps suppositories were the way to go - anything to get rid of the pain. Surgery perhaps?

No. Apparently surgery in the anoos fucks you up forever.

So day 2, and still wondering why I am afflicted with such a disgusting thing, and it seems like it's going down. Ah. It's days like these that need to be diarised, don't you think?

My first grey hair - check. My first wrinkle - check. My first pile - check. (Say again, what the fuck?)

Hysterical and freaked out, I called my mother back home, since she's the only person who has ever complained of getting hemorrhoids that I know of, while giving birth to yours truly - I had a big head - and she said "Fluids. Drink fluids. And clam the fuck down."

Look, I don't do veins. Veins freak me out. I am completely freaked out. When people have varicose veins, I freak out. I can't look at veins or touch them and stuff.

Veins are freaky things and I want nothing to do with them. So imagine my delight when I realised there was one sticking out of my ass.

I'm going to vomit. That's right. Just like you.

PS: Sitting, walking, moving? The most painful thing ever.