Think of the itchiest itch you've ever had. Then times that by a thousand.
This week has been absolute never ending misery. I cannot begin to describe it. Just when I thought I had a reign on my various infections - wielding creams, home remedies, anything, that could help an itch so insatiable I thought at one stage I might just throw myself off a balcony - it would return.
I haven't slept for about 6 nights now. The nights are the worst. For some reason It (the thing, the cruel thing that overtakes my crack, basically) strikes at night the most. Which means I do not sleep at all.
One night I finally managed to stop squirming at 4:30am. After trying to retire at 11pm.
I have to sit upright like I'm on a plane as this slightly makes the itch less itchy.
I've cried, scratched, meditated, had vinegar baths, consulted the deepest recesses of the Internet, been to the chemist a few times and now gone back to the doctor today. He told me I don't actually have piles and the thrush has been cured. What this is is a full on fungal infection that now descends down my legs and into my sensitive crevasses. Lovely.
I have a new cream. Maybe this one will give me a few hours just to sleep? This is MADNESS.
On Saturday morning after another sleepless night and the clenching of butt cheeks when I walk, I revved myself up to shuffle off to the chemist to beg for more creams or anything they'd give me.
Maybe its because I am waddling/shuffling, maybe it is lack of sleep, but I took a horrible fall.
When you're pregnant you're prone to falling anyway, as your centre of gravity changes and your joints loosen. I tripped over a bit of pavement on our road and went flying. I wiped out after flying through the air, crashing down on my kneecaps and hands, and my bump. My bump hit the tarmac, and I was splayed out with bags of fucking fungal creams and a smashed mobile phone all around me. What a sight that must've been.
I couldn't get up, was winded and was bleeding, and the panic of my bump hitting the pavement put me into immediate frenzy, and I couldn't get up. I don't remember much, just that I was crying, no weeping loudly, and looking up to anyone who could help. Luckily two ladies saw me and helped me get up and escort me home.
Once back, the Brit attended to my bruised knees and palms of my hands, which are fairly mangled from the glass on my phone.
That moment was literally the worst I have felt. The only good thing was that I forgot about the itch for at least an hour. The bump was OK. The babies were both moving and there was no cramping or blood. Thank God.
In fact, I found out today that one of my babies have turned around from the breech position to face head down. I wonder if the lurch of the fall did that. Either way, when it did turn it looked like something out of Alien. I was in the bath a few hours later, and my stomach was convoluting and rippling like crazy - it made for some mesmerising viewing. I was just happy they were moving.
While it's been a really shoddy week, (did my French neighbour make a voodoo doll of me? In the most desperate of times I have convinced myself this is so), I've been largely housebound. Going out in public has been few and far between - as obviously publicly scratching one's nethers isn't something I want to be seen doing.
So I finally set to work on the nursery. And it's almost done. Just waiting on some woodland theme mobiles for above the cot (they'll share a cot for a few months first) otherwise the animal theme seems to work I think?
I've had to be very creative with space. It's a tiny room. So making the most of storage and other bits is essential.
I got the prints off Etsy and ordered pre-mounted frames on eBay. I figured animals were cute and neutral for boys and girls.
I got the bunting from Etsy as well, which I cut up to go on two walls.
I put hooks behind the door to hold things like their laundry bags and other things that could be hung.
I got some white baskets off Amazon for the book shelf which I am keeping all their muslins, toys, blankets, bibs and other bits in.
Their clothes are hanging in the cupboard of the nappy changer and on the freestanding rail. Their clothes are so cute so having them outside is quite cool really.
Then these are their Moses baskets. What they'll most likely sleep in their first weeks home, and probably in our room.
What do you think?
Amongst the fungal fury, I actually somehow through the grace of all that's good and true, manage to study for and pass my Life In The UK Test.
I drove to Hammersmith to do it, and the sense of sheer achievement when I got it - in a week of debilitating afflictions, I can't tell you. Something I don't need to worry about ever again. Jesus I am relieved.
Finally, I have a due date.
Sort of! I saw my obstetrician today ( who also turns out to have been Kate Middleton's obstetrician. This man helped to deliver England's future king. And he will be delivering my twins!)
How's that for tremendously exciting?
Anyway, anyway, we are booked in for a c section on ....4 April. I'll be 37 weeks and 5 days. That's another 3.5 weeks. If I can make that date, amazing. But given everyone was staring at me when I walked through the common with the Brit on Sunday, I am literally, mahoosive. I've just suddenly popped.
People openly stared, then turned to their partner or friend and you could see them saying, 'Look at the size of that...'
Yes people. All this AND and a fungal infection. Now move along before I squash you.
We thought April Fool's Day would be a fun and apt birthday, ('It's actually triplets. They found another one, it didn't show up on any of the scans.') and would've been fun, but it was fully booked.
Soon we will meet our babies.....we can't help wondering what they will look like.