Husburden: Has a BA.
Husbank: Will marry a trophy wife, beset with big tits and a fertile uterus to create millions of little heirs.
Husburden: Is the endless bachelor, fancies himself a bit of a Hef, probably dates five women at once, only married you because he was drunk and you were both in Vegas.
Husbank: Hangs out in the Upper Class Lounge at airports, the Saxon, the Westcliff Polo Lounge, the office.
Husburden: Hangs out at places where he can smoke a bifta without being arrested.
Husburden: ridiculously good looking. Women crawl all over him like a bad rash.Husbank: ridiculously rich. Women crawl all over him like a bad rash after they see his platinum card.
Husbank: Will turn his [trophy] spouse into a human incubating baby-making machine.
Husburden: Kids? Excuse me while my balls retract back into my urethra.
Husbank: Entitles the wife to a monthly salary that allows her to shop at Jimmy Choo, get a regular facelift, botox, a personal trainer.
Husburden: You're the breadwinner, so you'll entitle him to a salary that funds his pot habit.
Husbank: Wears suits all day long, and when trying to seduce you, will be naked barring his socks.
Husburden: Knows an awful lot of tai-chi. And administers a pounding in the sack so tactile, you can't walk for days.
Husbank: Breadwinner. Husburden: Breadloser. (No really. He leaves the bread on the bus, along with the rest of the groceries.)
Husbank: Old money.
Husburden: New money.
Husbank: Holidays in Baja. On his own yacht.
Husburden: Hitch hikes through the Transkei. When he's 63.
Husbank: Catches you fucking the pool boy and takes you to the cleaners. Thereafter changes the plates on his 5-series BMW to 'ALIMONY GP'.
Husburden: So you fucked the pool boy. Whatever.
143 comments:
hehehe Brilliant!!!
Don't get all coy on us now. Why haven't you classified all of your men into one or the other category?
Nessers - ta, I try :)
Kyk - all of MY men? How many do I have Kykie? ;)
None of them (past and present) fit the box completely. They're in-betweeners. Aren't I a lucky bitch?
;)
How about a Husbone??
Well sure, Revvie. Give us his criteria! (Besides the obvious, which sounds like the wife would be his sex slave, amongst other things)
Husbone: Has a Code 14 / EC Drivers license.
Husbone: Has multiple wives/ girlfriends along trucking/ biker route.
Husbone: Hangs out at Engen truckstop / Shell Ultracity / Ronnies Sex Shop.
Husbone: Ridiculously large paunch. Hookers crawl all over him like a bad rash after they see his tattoos.
Husbone: Is an indiscriminate sperm donor when drunk women are about. All other times his hand is firmly nestled in his pants scratching/ keeping his nuts warm.
Husbone: Will provide copious amounts of free cheap alcohol to wives / girlsfriends or any available women in the hoe of getting his bone on.
Husbone: Wears leathers and/or overalls all day long. Wears boots to bed. Seduction not necessary as woman is passed out in drunken stupor.
Husbone: Counterfeit money.
Husbone: Holidays at annual biker rally/ mass orgy in Beaufort West.
Husbone: Reminisces about his youth when working as a pool boy.
Oh my God. That is PRICELESS.
I wanna get me one of those! Especially liked: Seduction not necessary as woman is passed out in drunken stupor. and has a Code 14 driver's license.
Dude. That's just made my day.
How bout husbend?
Husbend: married you for your good taste in shoes and frocks.
Husbend: borrows all your handbags and finishes your nailpolish.
Husbend: knows all the dialogue to 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert'
Husbend: can kick your ass in a karaoke competition singing 'It's Raining Men'
Husbend: caught you fucking the pool boy. so what? i fucked him too.
Oh my aching bladder sack. THAT IS PHENOMENAL!
Husbend: caught you fucking the pool boy. so what? i fucked him too.
Classic.
I hereby announce an official HUS-OFF.
You two got any more?
can we elaborate on the existing categories or do we have to think up new ones?
Husbore
Husbore: Sex, what's that?
Husbore: Permanently hidden behind heavy spectacles in his study behind a newspaper
Husbore: Drones on endlessly to strangers at parties
Babe, feel free to do whatever you like - this is classic. In the meantime, here are mine:
Husbonk: The man who had a sex addiction problem.
Husbail: One second you're married; then you not.
Husbond: He's a property tycoon, or at least pretends he is, but meanwhile back at the kraal he has mortgages coming out of his backside.
Husbore: You married him because he has a large nomthondo.
Jam - ha ha! Sex, what's that? Despite the hugeness of his mighty member, he still doesn't know how to use it. :)
Husbin: Takes all your crap
Husbot: does everything you say.
Husbeen: He was hot in 1976.
Husbabe: Is hot in 2008
Husbait: His mate was hotter than him, but you were happy to take second best.
Husbat: He divorces you because he has other fish to fry.
Husbrain: Is a clever dude and has a doctorate in meta-physics.
Husban: You don't do husbands. Period.
Husbend: calls himself Brianna. HIs real name is Brian.
Husbend: got thrown out of Teazers for jumping on stage, attempting a sexy striptease and trying to show everyone his 'poenie'.
Husbend: tucks his getoendes between his legs and calls it is 'manny' or 'poenie'.
Husbend: bought you a strapon for your birthday and tells you to 'be all the man you can be'.
Husbend: tries to flirt his way out of traffic fines, then wonders why the big dutchman traffic cop moered him and called him a 'bladdy poef'.
Husbend: actually knows the right answer to 'do these pants make my bum look big?'
some more...
husbling: likes to wear your jewelry and accessories.
husblanket: cried at the end of 'Jock and the Bushveld'
husblanket: wants to talk about 'his feelings.
husbroody: wants to have many children. Idolises the Brady Bunch.
peas: i like husban. you dont do husbands. period.
Husblog: You met him online, spilled your life story and troubles to him only to discover he's your neighbours 7 years old son.
hahaha rev...that's hilARRious....
Husblunt: Has no lead in his pencil.
Husblunt: the song' Because I Got High' is the soundtrack to his life.
Oh my God. I am in hysterics!
Laughing my non-existent scrotum off!
Thrills - the references to the mangina are just too precious!
Rev - the husblog, dude, I just spilt my coffee all over the keyboard.
As for husblunt, holy moly that's SUPERB!
Husbrat: Hates being a mommy's boy
Husbanchee: Squeals during love making.
Husblunt: Because he saw his future wife on a train and thought she was beautiful but never got her fucking number!
husbrother: you're from the Deep South and you married your brother. Who also happens to be your uncle.
Husbit: Under aged oops
Thrills - Similarly, Husbankie: the song' Because I Got High' is the soundtrack to his life.
What a productive morning this has been! :)
Husblink: is a bit of a two-minute noodle. Blink and you miss it. The best 14 seconds of your life, apparently.
husbreakfast: asks you the morning after you first hooked up if you like your eggs scrambled or fertilised.
Husbanned: Ex political exile. Has std 8 and senior goverment post. You are one of many wives and has a herd of children. Likes to shower after sex ( just to be safe..you know!)
HA HA, this is why I LOVE blogging!
Husbang: doesn't believe in foreplay, but rather a 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' kinda guy. A bit like the "husblink".
peas: i am a stay at home mommy now. i have nothing to do. the kid has passed out....
so productive can kiss my ass.
it's lunch time and i'm still in my dresing gown. hurrah.
Jesus, I can't cope.
Guys, this is too funny! Husbanned?
Husbinned. You divorced him first.
Husburn: Apparently gets around - gave you fire crotch!
Thrills - I am jealous, no really. I have heaps of editing to do and I can't be bovvered, not with the hus-off going on before my eyes!
husbanner: likes to blow his own horn.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Husbar: the "regular" at the local watering hole. Where he is every night after golf.
husbeef: all brawn. no brains.
husblown: very satisfied
husbush: has the vocab of a 5 year old
husblock: really knows how to fill a toilet. also can be described as 'full of shit'.
Husbard : Good Lady, he doth seek to remove thy maidenhead with a swift thrust of his rapier!
Husboss: You dipped your pen in the company ink, married it, nepotised it, and are now blowing it on top of the photocopier after hours.
Husbaker: wants to put a bun in your oven
Husbandit: You're Bonnie and he's Clive. Crime turns you both on, and after a good heist, you always get it on.
Husbike: He likes it when you're on top.
Or alternatively, has done everyone in the village.
Husbabel: You just don't speak the same language
Husband: You blow him, he twiddles your buttons and you make beautiful music together.
Husbind: Likes being tied up every S & M Tuesday.
Husbasil: your name is Sybil Fawlty. Your husband is one huge fuck up.
Husbring-it-on: your husband was a male cheerleader in highschool because he didn't make the football team. he was at the top of the pyramid.
Husbic: his dick really is the size of a pen. and all it takes to get him to spew his ink: one click
husbalding: he is the master of the comb over. avoids going out on windy days like the plague
HAHAHAHAH! Oh man, oh man oh man oh man!
Husbland: Talks about the weather a lot.
Husbrand: Works in marketing.
Huswand: Opposite to the husbic, is heroic in the package department.
Husbrief: Drunken one night stand who proposed while cumming!
I'm running out of tears to laugh with.
Husbronco: Lets a bit of cowgirl and has you ride him like a wild horse!
Husbronco, oh my crap, I'm with Jam on this one, I actually can't handle the cheek cramps!
Husbroad - has an awesome set of...shoulders.
Husbroke - Even worse off than a Husburden.
Husbrail: Is blind to all your faults.
Husbandaid: Constantly wants to examine your 'little cut' and kiss it better!
husbooger: you picked him while no one was looking now cant flick him coz everyone's looking
Husbraille (sp!)
Husbook: Only pokes you via facebook.
Oh my itchy briefs. I'm writing this day off.
Rev - that's very unlike you dude.
HAHAHA
Jam - husbraille - you married Stevie Wonder.
747's input:
a husbobby - a policeman
a husbhundu - one with nature and a bit of qaps/body odour
a husbru - spends all his time on the beach - bru.
a husbilly - slightly inbred
Classic. I could do this forever!
Husbus - he has an obesity problem. He is never on time. And while he is better than the Husbike, you still dream of a Husborgini.
Husbee - he is only interested in getting to your flower.
Husbeekeeper - he meanwhile is only interested in your honey, but will wear protection to get there.
husbubbly: likes to fart in the bath
This is too much! Hahahahahahahahahah
Husburp: Like the husbubbly, except likes to taste it.
Husbrethren: Hangs out with his mates 24/7
Husboob: After a few drinks he acts like a real tit!
Husbuppy - He has done well from SA's B.E.E. policies, drives the latest BMW, has the latest gadgets, wears designer suits & sharp-nose croc-leather shoes in white. And you 2 are often congratulated on your multiracial socialiting marriage.
Husbali - has progressed from Husbru with a bit more cash and air miles.
husbaloney: he's made up of all those bits that no other woman would want.
also he talks a lot of b/s.
Husbroken - he's very accident prone, tends to break limbs a lot!
Husbond: Has got some interesting toys which post-coitus leave you shaken, but nor stirred!
*weeps some more*
champs: husbali made me laugh so hard juice came out my nose!
Husbarren: Despite his best efforts has been unable to create any offspring. Best to give the gardener another try.
Oh my GOD. Guys, MY CHEEKS HAVE GONE INTO SPASM. Attractive!
Husbunk: Makes a habit of not pitching up.
So what category of hus does Mr 747 fall into???
husbark - tends to dry hump trees after a few toots. Not to be confused with the husbraille/husblind.
husbornagain: When on the brink of release always shouts "Oh my God!!"
Husbear - he ignores your hints of vouchers for back waxes & gifts of razors.
Husbare - you've stopped inviting your friends around to your place, because "in his home, he will wear (not wear) what he pleases!"
Anon - well, since he's not my husband, he doesn't really apply. But for the sake of cheesiness, he's a husbabe :)
Rev - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, husbornagain!
And champs, the husbali also had me choking on my coffee dude.
How's this creativity eh?
;)
husbrimstone: you really did marry the Devil
Husbarf: While pissed, you met at the communal porcerlain chalice. Now the sight of him just makes you sick to your stomach.
husbonsai: you married Wee Man
Husblue - is desperate to get laid
husbarbarian: you married conan
husblame - has remarkable shifting-the-shit skills.
husbargain: he was 50% off. it was an impulse buy. you dont even need him. he doesn't even fit.
husbarometer: he can measure your temperature with his meat thermometer ANY time...
husboy: Got married at 15, works in Bangkok's redlight district to pay the bills.
husbanderas: Your name is Melanie Griffith.
Husbobbit: Comes with detachable penis, for easy castration!
Husbiscuit - he's a treat!!
Husbovvered - you're living in a council house, preggers with your third kid, you are waiting for your man to get back from the brewery so you can go to the local pub for your 16th birthday pint.
Husbulge - you married him for the sex, but realised it was really his wallet that was turning you on.
husboet – from whence does he hail? Anywhere near Krugersdorp.
husbra - the same as the husbend, but with a preference for over shoulder boulder holders, not so much panties.
Husbone-head - lives in Benoni
HUSBOVVERED.
Oh God, that's me, I need to go home, cos I am no longer able to work in an office.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Husbandit: You met when he showed you his weapon and tried to hijack your ass on the cnr William Nicole & Witkoppen!
(...I think he's moved on to selling puppies!)
husbean: Mr Bean is no longer a bachelor
Shit, it just gets better and better.
Lau - classic!
Husbovvered - his muvva works at MacDonalds.
husbrad - Angelina Jolie by day; fight club by night.
Husbale: Completely wrapped up in himself
Husbond - 007
husbalm - is addicted to your lipgloss/ you met in a tropical climate.
husbump - you just reversed over him.
husbranch - owns a Morkels franchise.
Speaking of husbanks, I just got this on email:
Subject: Letter from a desperate lady
Importance: High
This letter was sent to Kaya Fm and it was answered!
Hi guys
What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from Sandhurst. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a quarter of a million a year is middle class in Sandton, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make R500K or more here? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who makes on average around R200k - R250k.
But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. R250 000 won't get me to Morningside Manor. I know a woman in my spinning class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Parkmore, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right?
How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
* Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants , gyms?
* What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
* Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
* Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper North so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in bars in Rosebank. What's the story there?
* Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out?
* Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
* How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it.
I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
[Let's withhold the name]
RESPONSE FROM A Male LISTENER:
Dear [name]
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than R500k per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal.
Here's why.
Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates!
Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By
35 stick a fork in you!
So in JSE terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" which is what you're asking) so I would rather lease/rent you.
In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need a way out too. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"as you, has been unable to find a sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are, and that the R500k hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Husbump????
Hehehehehehe.
I just cannot stop laughing.
Sounds like the letter was answered by her Husdump!
Husblaine - likes to sit in a glass box above London, get drowned & buried alive...
hahaha :)
Husbleak - has the tendency to sulk a lot.
Husbabwe - You're starving, you're homeless, you've become barren from misuse. And he is claiming this is all the fault of that British yobo boyfriend before him.
I was trying to eat lunch! Which is now all over my computer screen.
Husbabwe? Hahahaha.
Champers, oh my lord, brilliant!
husbanana – has a jolly good pecker
husbandwagon – jumps onto any new trend like his life depends on it
husbanal – also responds to the name “Michael Mol” and is a Top Billing presenter
husband-width – you married a geek.
husband-anna – has a lot of bad hair days
husbantam – drives a bakkie, and wears two-tone
husbannister – always takes the stairs, not the lift.
husbeirut - tendency to blow up easily, has a bad temper
what a superb thread!
don't you guys do any work in Jozi?
anyway time to turn the tables, gents.
HouseWife: - and its all his fault she sacfrificed her career."
FishWife : "smell, what smell?"
NavigatorWife (aka GPSWife) : "Hey Mister, get some direction in your life"
MaxedWife : needs a new credit card - this one is full.
I'm just warming up - sure you can do better.
ATW - it was only a matter of time! Classic dude. :)
What's that smell! ;)
Vife - she is Eastern European
Thwife - she has a lisp
Sherwife - she makes & enforces the laws in this here household, ok cowboy!
Champers - is the Vife married to the husbloc? Or the German husbund?
WetWifes - Use her to clean up the wet spot!
...or the Swife.
Or maybe not.
JakeWife - She's worked your marriage into world class championship material.
HighOnWife - She lied to you about cutting back on her coke habit after the wedding.
(What study/work procrastination can do a person. Next exam period I am in, we should try to think up world peace strategies!)
Wifebelt - she keeps you in the style to which you've become accustomed if you're a husburden
Knwife - She's sharp, cutting, and you completely adore her because she basically lives in the kitchen.
SwissArmyWife - Dresses in cute little red outfit, outfitted with all types of kitchen utensil and gadgets (Well suited to Husbond)
Wrifle - she wears the pants. Don't mess with her, she's got guns.
Wifeslikeaboxofchocolates: You never know what she's like until you taste her.
A minor celebrity as she was famously referred to by Forrest Gump.
WoveWife ("WuvWife") - is responsible for HIV marketing campaigns in the hope that people start wearing condoms.
WifeSaver - Large breasted goddess who spend countless hours on the beach observing the surf line.
Her most striking attribute is her positively bouyant...uumm...personality!
Twouble-And-Stwife: lies in wait behind front door at 1AM for husbeen-on-a-bender to come home
LongWife - she is gonna outlive you.
ChooseWife - choose cheap furniture, choose a fucking lounge suite on credit...choose Trainspotting.
She's definitely not the best wife potential out there. Since she' on heroin and all.
Westwife - likes to sing soppy songs
Nightwife - she likes to go out on the piss
Wildwife - a bit of an animal in bed
HowToSaveAWife – she's obsessed with the band “the Fray."
OK I'm grasping at straws here. I'm hus' and wifed out. You guys are brilliant.
And Lau - tremendous! :)
Oooo...ATW, that last one was offside, even for me.
You should always look on the bright side of wife!!
Phewee ATW! I liked the breadwife. Does this make her the breadwinner too? Is she the femi-version of the husbank?
Hey rev – too much guilt kicks in.
Hence repost minus the wobbly bits
'mashini wam'Wife: sister of the Wrifle - except she brings on the machine gun.
QueuedWife : A formerly CuteWife (number 3 or is that 4) - now replaced by 'mashini wam'Wife.
Breadwife : lets you nibble on her bits - one slice at a time
BikiniWife: Buys stuff in matching pairs
BikiniWaxWife: Continually tearing a strip off her man.
BouyWife : sister of Wifesaver
Now go home everyone: I need to take my good wife out to celebrate being happily schackled for 10 years to the day!
Happy ten year anniWIFEary ATW! That's quite a milestone! :)
I'm laughing so hard I think my colleagues are wondering if I'm short of having a seizure! Seriouslu...if you continue like this I may just have to ban mysef from your blog...my work mates are gonna think there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me!!
Blogshell - ha ha, I hear you - I've had the same problem all day long, and am battling to breathe ;)
But thanks to everyone for their hus-something contributions. Without this HUS-OFF, it just wouldn't have been the same. Some classic Husisms (and wifeisms) in here!
OH MY LORD!
I have just spent one hour reading through this! Good god, Peas you have to blogroll this in your archives!
I'm going to link back to this too.
Brilliant guys, well done!
Sheebs - how funny are these comments hey? I spent the day cowering behind my desk, as rampant creek crampage set in and now I have cramp in my lower abdomen from laughing so much.
:)
Dude. I have that too.
Rev is insane.
hey peas and all.
sorry got yanked away from the hus-off (and i now see wife-off) yesterday. stupid eskom and their facking loadshedding.
oh well, cant really complain - first time in three months we've had no power, others have it way worse.
so what's on the agenda for today?
Wow great, really very informative post, thanks for sharing the above information. Please share On-page information if your have sex camLondon Escorts
Post a Comment